Wednesday, June 22, 2005


There are different kinds of people who leave comments on this blog and sometimes even the same person might have lots of different kinds of things to say. It is the magic of blogs and a gift from Hakadosh Baruch Hu that in the loneliest aspect of my life I can find a way to get feedback from so many other people. In general there are three kinds of comments from my perspective, the ones I love, the ones I tolerate, and the ones I cannot tolerate.

The comments I love the most are the ones that simply express support for me. Showing me that the reader has read my whole blog, was moved by it somehow, and is keeping me in their thoughts. I especially love hearing from people going through the same thing even though I would not wish this experience on anyone else. Another type of comment I love is the type where a person gives me advice that is actually good advice that I have never thought of before myself. That does not happen often but it has happened, and I appreciate it when it happens.

A very great percentage of the comments fall into the category of comments that I tolerate. This means that there is something unhelpful about the comment but I know that it is not the commenter's fault that he was unhelpful. I had this most when the blog first became popular and I only had a few posts and there were many things I had not yet explained about my situation. I cannot fault someone for trying to help me but missing the mark because they do not have all the information. At the beginning I also had many commenters who were not Orthodox and really did not understand where I was coming from, but they felt bad for me and wanted to help so I cannot blame them for missing the mark. I am happy that there are so many people in the world who want to help even if they do not understand how.

Sometimes a person gives advice that I try something that I have already tried. But I may not have written on the blog that I have tried it because I am trying to protect my anonymity. So how were you supposed to know? Or perhaps I have mentioned it on the blog but it is buried in a post somewhere and I know it is unrealistic to expect that everyone who visits this blog will carefully read every post before leaving a comment. Still it is the tone of some comments that bothers me where the commenter seems to think they know something about me when I have never said anything about it on the blog one way or another.

So I am not upset about those types of comments but I do have two requests for the future.

1) Before offering advice try to read as much of the blog as you can so you will be more knowledgable of the nuances of my situation. If you do not have time for that then I understand. I am asking because sometimes when you ask you recieve.

2) Please remember that I have a daily life that is unrelated to being shomer negiah, sexual frustration, or anything else on this blog. It is very funny to me that people think they must know what I am like only on the basis of this blog. Do you know I have been in situations where people talked to me about this blog without realizing that I am her? They say "I know you are not Nice Jewish Girl because you are ____ while she is _____" (fill in the blanks with whatever opposites you like) because they assume that the blog says everything about me.

According to people who have talked about my blog in my presence, I definitely live outside New York, I definitely live in Brooklyn, and I definitely live on the Upper West Side. I am obviously Modern Orthodox, obviously Yeshivish, obviously a baalas teshuvah, and obviously frum from birth. I am clearly intelligent, clearly popular, clearly have no friends, and clearly am a loser. Well I guess that clears everything up. :-)

There is the third type of comment which is the type I cannot tolerate. It does not happen often. I do not usually for example delete comments no matter how ridiculous I might find them because perhaps they will help someone else or just as a testament to the variety of people in the world.

However when the same commenter consistently leaves unhelpful advice in an all-knowing tone and then starts advising things that not only are dirty and dangerous and possibly illegal but also is something that I have said about 50 times in this blog that I will not do, then I just cannot take it anymore.

And so I respectfully request . . . no I take that back I demand that the person who calls himself NeedsABetterJob stop commenting on this blog. Do not leave a comment to apologize. Do not leave a comment to explain yourself. Do not take on another pseudonym and continue commenting under another name. Just go away.

But to everyone else, thank you for visiting my blog.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


I have gotten requests by email and in the comments to put up a new post to tell you all how I am doing. I appreciate all the concern shown to me. It makes me feel good.

One reason I have not posted for many weeks is that I have nothing very new to say. Since the last post I have had a few dates but none of them “turned into anything.” My depression is slowly getting better, I continue to volunteer in my community and see friends. Lately I have been making time for a new activity I have always wanted to try and now I am trying it and it is fun.

I am researching whether it is feasible for me to travel for a few weeks or months to Europe or Israel, to date and/or to study or work for a little while. I have a good job so I first have to make sure that I can take a leave and I have to make sure it is financially feasible for me. If it is then I think travelling will be nice and will open up new dating opportunities. If that does not work out I am also thinking about adopting a puppy as I love animals and it is true, as a reader said to me, that dogs are playful and love people unconditionally. It would be nice to come home to something and have something to take care of.

One thing I must mention, since this blog is all about the truth of what I am feeling, is that as Shavuos approaches I am irrationally thinking a lot about a comment by “Eesh Aish” in which he said about two months ago “by Shavuos she’ll be engaged for sure.” I want you to know, Eesh Aish, wherever you are, that your comment is coming back to haunt me, and now you. What was the point of it? I am not engaged, not having much more success than 2 months ago at least in dating, and now your comment is just one more weapon I can use against myself when I want to feel sorry for myself. It was such a stupid thing to say. I do not want to say that it is “ruining my Shavuos,” because of course I am not quite that petty or self-pitying. I will focus on all the wonderful things about the holiday. But your ridiculous comment has been crossing my mind sometimes, and every time I remember it I feel grim. That is why I wrote in a previous post that you should never tell a single person “I am sure you will get married soon.” Because how are they supposed to feel if they do not? It was not very nice of you to go against my advice on my own blog. There, I needed to get that off my chest.

Another thing that is a little different since my last post is that almost as much as I think about sex now I think about having a baby. Not being pregnant or raising a child but giving birth. I have this strange instinctive craving for it. It seems that as I enter the last years that I can bear a child my body is craving it very badly and trying to get me to get moving. It feels like a purely biological instinct.

Well there is not much I can do about it. I have already posted that I do not feel financially or emotionally able to raise a child by myself right now and also I do not intellectually feel comfortable with the idea of bringing a child into the world without a father, when there are so many babies available for adoption who have no parent at all. But it is interesting that the physical instinct to be a mother is so strong. And it is very hard to overcome one’s physical instincts. It seems that so much of my life is about that. Which leads me back to the question, by lifting myself above my physical instincts, am I being holy, or am I being stupid?