One reason I have not posted for many weeks is that I have nothing very new to say. Since the last post I have had a few dates but none of them “turned into anything.” My depression is slowly getting better, I continue to volunteer in my community and see friends. Lately I have been making time for a new activity I have always wanted to try and now I am trying it and it is fun.
I am researching whether it is feasible for me to travel for a few weeks or months to Europe or Israel, to date and/or to study or work for a little while. I have a good job so I first have to make sure that I can take a leave and I have to make sure it is financially feasible for me. If it is then I think travelling will be nice and will open up new dating opportunities. If that does not work out I am also thinking about adopting a puppy as I love animals and it is true, as a reader said to me, that dogs are playful and love people unconditionally. It would be nice to come home to something and have something to take care of.
One thing I must mention, since this blog is all about the truth of what I am feeling, is that as Shavuos approaches I am irrationally thinking a lot about a comment by “Eesh Aish” in which he said about two months ago “by Shavuos she’ll be engaged for sure.” I want you to know, Eesh Aish, wherever you are, that your comment is coming back to haunt me, and now you. What was the point of it? I am not engaged, not having much more success than 2 months ago at least in dating, and now your comment is just one more weapon I can use against myself when I want to feel sorry for myself. It was such a stupid thing to say. I do not want to say that it is “ruining my Shavuos,” because of course I am not quite that petty or self-pitying. I will focus on all the wonderful things about the holiday. But your ridiculous comment has been crossing my mind sometimes, and every time I remember it I feel grim. That is why I wrote in a previous post that you should never tell a single person “I am sure you will get married soon.” Because how are they supposed to feel if they do not? It was not very nice of you to go against my advice on my own blog. There, I needed to get that off my chest.
Another thing that is a little different since my last post is that almost as much as I think about sex now I think about having a baby. Not being pregnant or raising a child but giving birth. I have this strange instinctive craving for it. It seems that as I enter the last years that I can bear a child my body is craving it very badly and trying to get me to get moving. It feels like a purely biological instinct.
Well there is not much I can do about it. I have already posted that I do not feel financially or emotionally able to raise a child by myself right now and also I do not intellectually feel comfortable with the idea of bringing a child into the world without a father, when there are so many babies available for adoption who have no parent at all. But it is interesting that the physical instinct to be a mother is so strong. And it is very hard to overcome one’s physical instincts. It seems that so much of my life is about that. Which leads me back to the question, by lifting myself above my physical instincts, am I being holy, or am I being stupid?