Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Why Blog

Writing is not my best skill. In high school and college I got OK grades in English, but there are other things I am much better at. Writing does not come naturally to me.

So why am I making a blog about something so personal?

First, because in the last few years, being S.N. to me has become a little like living in jail. There is a world out there (my married friends, my not frum friends) who are enjoying being sexual people, and I am imprisoned in my single, religious, Nice Jewish Girl life. Sometimes I think that if I do not have sex I will explode. Sometimes I think that if I do not find out what it feels like to have a man’s hands on me, I will go crazy. Maybe this blog is the explosion! Maybe after all I have gone crazy!

Another reason I am blogging is that I want support from other people who are in the same situation. I do of course have some single friends who have similar problems. We talk about it. But in many cases, being S.N. does not bother them as much as it bothers me. Some friends have told me that they cry sometimes because they feel lonely, but no one else has told me that they cry sometimes because they are sexually starving. Maybe they just will not admit it. But it seems like they are not so in touch with themselves. Not figuratively and not literally. I do not know any other frum women as far as I know who own a vibrator for example. I have owned three and do not know how I would survive without it. What does that mean? Who understands?

Another reason I am blogging is that I want people to not judge each other too much. There are people who make jokes about being S.N., who say that people like me must be lesbians or frigid. They do not understand the reality and how religiously and emotionally complicated it is to be S.N. all this time. People like me have to be very strong and there is some holiness and purpose in that.

There is also the judgement from the religious side. Fifteen years ago I thought that single women who were “older” like in their late twenties who started down the slippery slope and became less frum were somehow not as good religiously as me. I thought that if they really believed in halacha they would never do that. It was easy to think that when I was younger and thought I could get married soon. Now however I see how hard it is to stay strong all this time. It is bad enough to be alone, but to be not sexual is almost as bad, and the two together is terrible. I have been on depression medication for a long time. I have had fantasies of killing myself. I have considered hiring a male prostitute and getting it over with. No, I have not tried either of those last two things, chas vishalom. But it shows how hard it is to be 34 and single and a nice Jewish girl. I cannot blame anyone who decides it is not worth it. To all the married people out there telling older singles that they should deny themselves, I wish I could respond "let he who is 34 and never been kissed cast the first stone."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Masturbation might help relieve some of the stress.

3/28/2005 09:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's what the vibrator's for, idiot.

Geez, some people.

3/29/2005 03:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"al tadin chevercha ad she'tagia limkomo".
y'know, i know those words by heart, but i don't think about them enough.

you're not crazy, you're just frustrated. and rightfully so.

stay strong.

3/30/2005 06:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're not the only nice religious girl who owns a vibrator - There are so many out there

3/30/2005 11:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't understand this, and I hope my questions will not be offensive. I truly just want to understand. Is there that much of a difference between sleeping with a man and using a vibrator? For the matter, between kissing and using a vibrator? You are not a virgin anymore, won't that be a problem?

4/01/2005 11:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess what.
I've been married 9 years now, and never had an O.
In fact i don't even know how to masturbate.
Some of us are sexually frustrated and married.
Go figure.

4/05/2005 07:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Though not wanting to play Devil's advocate here, I would suggest that your life, and certainly your chances of finding a desirable, sexual partner, would improve, if you relaxed your traditional ways for a more rational alternative

4/06/2005 09:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a similar problem and was referred to a program that i went to that changed my life. I'm still not married but i am so much more alive and happy and comfortable and i feel like i am necessary again.

The program is called Bais Chana (www.baischana.org). The teachers arenot only geniuses, they are also compassionate and real. I would recommend it to every Jewish woman in the world!

S.N., you need this program (especially the teacher named Shimona.)

5/17/2005 06:51:00 PM  
Anonymous fellow jew said...

Woho, just stumbled upon this (through an unrelated Google search) and the best advice I read from any of the commentators is:

One, to get over this website and stop fueling and cementing your current frustration by creating an online world and community so that you can wallow in it more.

And second, the advice to go to Bais Chana (www.baischana.org) for a retreat, a summer, a day, something. You're approach seems so off from what Torah wants from you. It seems like you are so busy being religious, that you forgot to be Jewish. So busy with Halacha, that you forgot that there is a G-d who gave it. A loving, compassionate G-d that knows your heart’s desires. Get out more. Smile more. Meet some people and ignite someone’s flame.

Through personal redemption we will realize global redemption. Get moving. Much luck. One Torah. One people. One G-d.

5/18/2005 12:40:00 AM  
Anonymous fellow jew (me again) said...

You should also get a copy of the book, Doesn't anyone blush anymore? by Manis Friedman. He is the founder of Bais Chana International.

The book is an easy, straight forward, down-to-earth, compassionate read. I read it in one Fri. night sitting.

Get the book online at Amazon and other on and offline outlets:


That, and of course a copy of Matisyahu's latest CD, Live at Stubbs. It will "light up your life". And then with book and CD in hand move on out. Meet people. Inspire. Get inspired.

5/18/2005 12:51:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the sexual energy you feel can be re-directed to be a minor rather than a major part of life.

Find a project. a cause. an organization and DELVE into it. You won't have energy to get this frustrated

5/23/2005 11:44:00 AM  
Anonymous zsj said...

Last anonymous- I have tons of those projects. But even if I crawl into bed at 2am every morning exhausted from healing the world, I'm still gonna be horny.

6/01/2005 06:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi again. I'm one of your many anonymous (too lazy to sign up...) friends.

I will be going to that Bais Chana program in August. I hope we can meet there. (Although if you choose to remain incognito i'll understand.)

Many thanks the the anonymous who posted that info and to fellow jew for recomending the "Blush" book. It is life-changing. I pray that he as good live as he is in print.

Loads o' love.


6/08/2005 03:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am just writing in about the Rabbi Friedman program. It is amazing. It will definitly help with your frustrations.
(Trust me, I went twice).

8/29/2005 06:26:00 PM  
Anonymous some iyer dude said...

As a single male in his late 20s who's never been kissed (mathematics PhD, work, etc..) I'm fastly approaching your problem. I don't know what to do regarding my personal life as the big three-oh approaches. I found your posting very reassuring in the commiserating sense. I'm not Jewish, however; but as a Hindu there are a few overlapping problems.. at least, Google seems to think so by returning many jewish pages. My main problem is that I lose interest in relationships quickly.. or at least, I lose interest in the idea of a relationship. Months can go by where I'm blissfully single. Then, a singular event can ransack my paradise. Namely, a wedding I recently went to has thrown ideas into my head I've done well without. So here I am, detoxifying from a weekend of seeing extroverted, happy people; and now I'm sulkily wondering why watching another SG-1 episode and reading about the fastest graphics processor don't put a smile on me like they once did. Nothing like a whiff of true happiness to infuse me with gloom. I feel I can now empathize with King Tantalus, or, more close to the heart, those bears at zoos who starve themselves, refusing to eat zoo sludge after tasting the delicious, calorific knickknacks from General Mills. My only recourse is to submit to parents and go through an arranged marriage, but as someone who grew up in Connecticut, I find that idea frighteningly Borg-like.

9/13/2005 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger Drew_Kaplan said...

As there is no halakhic prohibition against female masturbation, and certainly not using vibrators, it's kind of sad that women are not open to speaking upon this topic, even as much as they do talk (okay, j/k about that last part). But to the anonymous who said what's the "difference between sleeping with a man and using a vibrator," I surely must answer to him a huge difference. Granted, I am a guy, but no matter one's sex/gender/etc., these activities are always better with someone else rather than solo operation.
Furthermore, to those who have suggested further indoctrination, this woman, and others in her situation, are far beyond what any ideas may carry and highly desires on a very deep level the need for intimate physical/sexual contact. Indeed, the person who mentioned Hillel's famous statement about not being able to fully understand someone else until they are in their shoes (mAvot, ch.2), was spot on and should be heeded, especiall regarding this and other people in similar situations.

10/02/2005 04:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i totally agree with you drew.

11/06/2005 02:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I know it's kinda weird that I have no idea who you are and yet, I'm reading your blog, but I just got so frustrated and I happened to fall upon this. I am only in college, but I identified with every part of your blog so far. I, too, wasn't raised in an environment where being shomer negiah was expected or even encouraged, but somehow, I ended up being "shomer", mostly out of fear of punishment, more than anything else. While I am not strictly shomer now (I hug my guy friends,etc.), I have never been kissed, never cuddled with a guy, never even had a boyfriend. And it sucks. My friends are all much more sexually active and it is so frustrating that I can't relate to them. I feel like I'm about to burst at any second. I've watched more porn in the past month than most of my friends will in their entire lifetimes. Why am I even doing this?!?!
Ok, just wanted to let out my frustration and tell you to keep on blogging because I totally identify with you! Good luck!

5/26/2006 02:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um - ok, I am feeling really stupid here, but as a non-Orthodox Jew who has been happily married, Baruch HaShem, for 27 years, I just don't understand why you want to be Shomer Nagiah. Why can't you just date, find an appropriate level of sexual activity (maybe just kissing) and get married? There's got to be some nice Jewish boy out there who is going to want you - maybe one who is NOT SO ORTHODOX? I was a nice Jewish girl too - always, and without the support of an Orthodox community. People thought I was strange for not having sex before marriage, even my future husband thought so at first, though he got used to the idea. You can still kiss people, and date them, and cuddle them, and be close to them, without heavy physical involvement. What is the harm in that? It beats a vibrator. If you are going around radiating desperation and sexual frustration, it doesn't make you exactly attractive.

I can't see the point of a moral system that says yes to a vibrator and no to a kiss. What's up with that? Oh, I forgot - I'm only a Conservative Jew, and what do we know?

6/09/2006 09:08:00 AM  
Blogger Heaven said...

Hi, just want to say that I'm a gentile who believes in Orthodox Judaism. I believe in the God of
Avraham,Y'itchak, and Y'chov. I'd love to correspond with any Orthodox Jewish person who would like to talk to me. (Sorry for the miss-spells. ) I know that your
G_d YHWH is the one true G_d; but because I am a gentile, I am dismissed. I don't know what to do.

3/22/2008 10:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Shlomo said...

B"H I understand your pain, though no Shomer Negiah, but I am a divorced frum man and I am not sexually active at all. I am about to turn 33 and I do try to make shidduchim for people. I am not as strong as you though and would love to make love to a woman right away since I don't know when I will get married! I could help you, but that would defeat the purpose. I want to give you a big yahser koach, and wish you luck...you are not alone at all! I feel your pain, which is my pain!

5/20/2008 09:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... So sem girls wank as well :P. I thought the problem is only in guys...

1/18/2011 09:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand your pain on this one. I am a single 27 year old guy, and I feel the same way as you. I can only imagine how much harder it would be in 7 years G-d forbid.

I am beginning to think that we should re-institute the concept of the Pilegesh. This allows for men and women to enter into a physical relationship without a Ketuba or Get. Each side can leave when they see fit. The women would only have to follow the laws of Nida.

10/27/2011 10:59:00 PM  

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