Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Lessons

This is the last post on this blog for the forseeable future.

I started this blog really as a “primal scream.” I was hurting so much and needed to express all the pain I was in. I felt angry at halacha for the fact that I had never been kissed and angry at Jewish men and the Jewish community for the fact that I was alone. Not all those feelings were rational but they were what was inside and I needed to scream! I wanted other people to understand how I feel, to know that there are people in the world who are trying to be good Jews and who are lonely and suffering very badly. I was tired of hearing things like “if you were really serious about getting married then you would just get married.” I wanted people to know that being single for me is like being in a black hole and I would do anything, anything, to get out of it – with the right person. I have tried so many things but the right person has not come. Perhaps I also have not been the right person to someone else – but I am not any “worse” or “at fault” than any of the other normal but flawed people my age who got married 10 or 12 years ago and now have several children.

I did not think about how much this blog would help me. I did not expect that writing would be such a helpful exercise for me because I never considered myself good at it. It is true that it is so important always to try new things! Writing my feelings has helped me to put them somewhere else, on this blog – so they do not have to be inside me anymore.

I also did not expect to be helped so very much by the people who found and commented on my blog. Yes some of the advice was shall we say extraordinarily unhelpful but I have learned that there are so very many kind, supportive people in the world who really want to be as helpful as they can. It has made me stronger to know that. Also even though I still do not entirely believe I deserve it, it is very nice to be told that my words have inspired others, that I am an aishes chayil, that I am strong, etc. I never thought of myself that way and it feels good to have it pointed out. A very little bit I am allowing myself to believe it and that shines some light into the dark.

Finally I never expected that after expressing all my feelings and getting comments from others that I would actually feel better about being S.N.! I thought that the blog would be my last expression of excuses of why I can not be frum anymore or at least not S.N. I thought that the blog would end by saying “being S.N. until you are 35 is impossible and so now I will go and find myself someone, anyone, to not just kiss but have sex with because I can not take this anymore.” But instead I have realized how much worse I would feel if I did that. Even if I never get married which would be very sad, even if I never am kissed ever in my whole life, which would be horribly terribly sad, I would rather have that than give something away before I am ready or to a man I do not trust. I hope that soon I will find a man I trust and that always always whatever I do with him will be in proportion to how well we know each other and the nature of the commitment we have to each other. I cannot promise to be S.N. until I get married but I can promise to myself now that I will not do anything rash.

Here are the things I have learned from writing this blog and reading the comments and emails left by the readers:
  • Being sexually frustrated is indeed frustrating and terribly terribly difficult but after all it is the lack of emotional intimacy that is even worse. The true problem is not that I am S.N. but that I have no one in my life I am close enough to be be not-S.N. with.
  • I became depressed because I was sad about being single and S.N., but once I was depressed the goal became to feel better in general. When I feel better in general I will feel better about being single and S.N. That should be the goal, to find a way to be happy somehow even if I never get married and I am never kissed.
  • The halacha about being S.N. is not as important to me as it was 10 or 15 years ago but it is still important to me. Maybe 10 percent because it is the halacha and 90 percent because for me doing something physical with a man will also have a large emotional component and I do not want to cheapen that.
  • I am not a pathetic loser just because I have never been kissed. First because there are many other normal, sexually healthy people who also have never been kissed for one reason or another and Second because maybe, kissing someone you do not care about would be the truly crazy thing. I have heard from so many people especially women who have not been S.N. and now regret it because they feel they were used. So who made the worse decision? We are taking risks either way. I took a risk to be S.N. and lost because now am still single and I have never been kissed. Other people took a risk and were not S.N. and now have memories they regret. Who can say which is worse?
  • There are some very nice, supportive, and smart people in the world.
  • There are also some mean and/or stupid people in the world.
  • The world really is more cruel to fat people than to skinny people.
  • I knew this before but some of the comments reminded me more that the goal is not to get married it is to get married to a good person who I can have a happy, healthy relationship with. As sad as I am to be single I feel worse for the people who are in unhappy marriages.

Here is what I hope other people have learned or thought more about from reading this blog and the comments:
  • The “singles crisis” is not just about singles who do not want to get married or are not serious. Even people who are very serious and focused are not getting married sometimes for reasons beyond their control. Even if there is something “wrong” with them it often is not any more “wrong” than what many married people have “wrong” with them.
  • Just because a person is Shomer Negiah does not mean that they are not a sexual person or do not want to have sex.
  • Many women do in fact have strong sexual urges and men should not assume that all women only want emotional intimacy. Men: Every woman is different and the important thing is to be happy with the particular woman who is in your life! Women: Even if you are S.N. it is still possible to be a sexual person. Our bodies are not dirty or forbidden to ourselves. Explore and have fun!
  • This may seem like a contradiction of the last point but well life is complicated. For women in particular any kind of touch, even just kissing, can feel like “giving something away,” especially if the woman is frum and had previously been S.N. but even if not. Emotional intimacy and sexuality are very intertwined.
  • When teaching children or students about the halachos of S.N., people should keep in mind that intimacy and sexual fulfillment are both basic human needs and if a person lives without them for a long time it can have a very very detrimental affect on their psychological well being.
  • People in good marriages should please appreciate that you have companionship and that you are one of the lucky ones.
  • If you know someone who is single and becoming less frum as time goes on please do not be too quick to judge them. You cannot know for sure what kind of pain this person is going through or what choices you would make if you were in their shoes.
  • If you are single and S.N. you are not alone! We are a small group but it exists and you are not alone.
  • If you are single and cannot be S.N. anymore because you cannot take it, there is someone here who understands. I myself do not know what I will do about that when I do find a meaningful relationship, if I ever do.
  • If you are having signs of depression please get help! You do not have to suffer. I know what it is like to be so unhappy and lonely that you feel like you would rather be dead. Please do not let yourself feel that way any longer. Go to your doctor and ask for help. It really does work . . . slowly but surely.

May Hashem answer our prayers.

117 Comments:

Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

NJG,

I don't know where this blog will lead you. Kol Hakavod for being brave enough to write it, for opening up your innermost thoughts and feelings to us. Maybe you can go on now to help yourself, and others who feel the way you do, who are faced with similar challenges that you are dealing with. Thank you for inspiring us and helping us stay strong.

TRK

4/12/2005 07:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I did not expect that writing would be such a helpful exercise for me because I never considered myself good at it."

Your writing is exceptional: simple, direct and powerful. I hope you continue to write about this issue, maybe in other forums. You have important things to say.

Maybe you are best at writing things that you have direct experience with and have thought and felt your way through over time.

4/12/2005 07:41:00 AM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Altho I wanted you to continue, I can see why you would want to stop this blog. At a certain point, the points have been made, and comments pretty much tend to repeat. Unless you wanted to be more dynamic which would really be a breach of Tznius, imo, such as interactive dates and so on, I have some sick ideas that I won't even publish. Not sick really, but outside the norm of Tznius.
I too hope you will continue wrting. Ultimately, the time is for action for you and for many. I don't mean to be cliche ish, but this period right before Pessach, I have had the good fortune, of having good blessings in the past,even last year.

Where do we go from here? For those of us who felt connected and identified w/ you, it was like being at some kind of Shabbaton, w/ dynamic inspiring people. Now it is over, and we have to go back to reality. Yuck. But we respect your wishes, and
I have you in my prayers, that all of your dreams and desires will come to be, now, in the coming days.
Wishing you a happy, healthy and liberating Pessach,

4/12/2005 08:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Which is better?
TO be single and never touched, so you dont really know what you are really missing
or
Be divorced and know what it felt like but can't have it anymore?

4/12/2005 10:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Nice Jewish Girl said...

Is this a contest? I did not know that.

I hope Hashem fulfills your wishes and that you attain whatever you need to be happy.

4/12/2005 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger Malka said...

Thank you so much for allowing me/us a glimpse into your daily reality. It has truly been a humbling experience. The clarity and depth of emotion that envelop your writing here give me renewed hope that things will work themselves out for you, and for all of us singles out there who are struggling with the very same issues. Zei mir gezunt!

4/12/2005 11:32:00 AM  
Anonymous b,h,&e said...

If I may, one last lesson for us readers:

* Be sensitive to singles' emotions and try your best to help them out. Whether it be setting them up with someone, inviting them over for a meal, or just talking to them and letting them know that they're wonderful people.

~~
Having said that, NJG, this blog was one of the most intense, emotional, thoughtful, thought provoking, & inspiring pieces that I have ever read.
I am in awe of your strength and your struggle to do what's right.
Admittedly, I don't agree with everything you have written, but I think the overwhelming majority of what you wrote is a tribute to yourself and the entire community and that it will hopefully catalyze a proactive response to truly tackle this serious problem.

NJG,
You are a wonderful person. As others have said, we are all rooting for you and davening for you (really). Hashem loves you, and I know that you still love Him even though your relationship with Him may be a little turbulent right now (and I hope your relationship will improve as well).

Stay strong NJG. And keep looking. I'm still convinced that you can find him.

Sincerely,
b,h,& Empathy

4/12/2005 02:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a good marriage but one major problem which I cant get my wife to agree on. {it has to do with money} I dont think anyone can help us for a number of reasons. It is very frustrating and I am writing this to let off steam

4/12/2005 02:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is not a contest. It is just that you are striving and desiring something you know little about other than reading about it. You desire to be touched and to make love with someone (actualy I think it was cuddle and have sex) but yet you don't know if what else it entails yet you want it. You want what you don't have.
A divorced person knows what it comes with. ALong with the sex and the cuddling comes a lot of other things.

Be careful for what you wish for. They might not always seem what you perceive them to be.

4/12/2005 03:20:00 PM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

It sounds to me and she has stated that she will be very happy to spend alot of time in bed. She does so now by her admission, can you imagine what will be after she is married?

How this will change after she has kids, we do not know, but that is a couple of years down the pike. Will this affect her sexual appetite

Why would you want to confuse her when she is not even there yet?

It is true that you are disillutioned w/ marriage, but that is your experience. She is entitled to try her hand at happiness, and we should not defacate on her dreams?

4/12/2005 03:40:00 PM  
Anonymous wellwisher said...

thank you for a beautiful blog. I wish you all the best with all my heart.

4/12/2005 04:01:00 PM  
Anonymous ClooJew said...

BRAVO!!!

4/12/2005 06:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Eeshaish said...

NJG, One last thing I thought about NJG, is you may want to take some relationship courses, if you haven't already. Many have pointed out some difficulties that occur on the married side of things, and they felt that you are only looking at the physical sexual perspective. This possibly is a part of your makeup, your Iprint, as it were, that some men could find disillusioning. Not all men of course, but it depends on the type of person who you are currently dating.
It would be a positive, if you were to increase your knowledge of the other side of the fence, imo.
Fare thee well, We are still here, waiting to hear happy news from thee.

4/12/2005 08:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

NJG,
Thank you for your powerful and honest writing. What I wish for you most is that you feel happy, in love with life and with yourself, and blessed to have been granted such intelligence, depth, strength, and sensitivity. You have shown, in this blog, the inner spark of a truly life-affirming person. Nurture that part of yourself, and I think you will be fine--more than fine!

4/12/2005 11:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Esther said...

I called you Jewlicious once, and I stand by that. Good for you for exploring your feelings in this relatively safe and healthy medium. Whether or not you're S.N. in the future, I really believe that there's no shame in waiting for the right opportunity, whatever that means to you. Wishing you happiness, companionship and love, and admiring your faith...

4/12/2005 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger For The Glory Of God said...

Hi! I would just like to commend you for obeying G-ds law. You should be very proud of yourself even though I'm sure it has been tough. The Lord has someone special for you and you must be patient and wait on the Lord. The reward will be worth the wait. The Lord Bless you and keep you!

4/13/2005 12:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wife wanting to control her money gets in the way of our marriage even though I like her. I am very frustrated. I sort of identify with your frustration because of this constant frustration that I have.

4/13/2005 01:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Reb Pinchas Chikorsa said...

Anoynomous, What do you mean control her money? Perhaps you can give a specific example. In my experience, it is interesting, when I was making a very comfortable living, there were more fights about money, bec. I wanted to spend, spend, spend. Now that I have been humbled, there is less fighting, bec. there is less to spend on in the first place.
So, perhaps you should view this 'fight' as a blessing. It could be thousands times worse

4/13/2005 09:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Jonny Kosher said...

i should start by wishing you blessings like everyone else and pray for your success in everything.

could you use a matchmaker type thing?

forgive me if you've already spoken on the topic, i only started reading your blog a little while ago.

4/13/2005 10:23:00 AM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Jonny, The blog has ended. The Kallah has arrived at Central station, but does not want to take any of the trains there.

We must respect the Kallah's wishes, even as we hope that she will change her mind.

4/13/2005 11:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Nice Jewish Girl said...

Eeshaish . . . Um, please stop calling me "the Kallah." That is very creepy. I am not even seeing anyone.

4/13/2005 12:17:00 PM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Sorry, I was taking Torahic license.

4/13/2005 01:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Enid said...

You are quite the writer, NJG!

I cannot totally relate to your predicament, but I’ll tell you what I had to do. I wasn’t S.N., but I was single a long time and wasn’t going to jump into someone’s bed (because only the sexual portion of my yearnings would be satisfied and the lack of emotional connection would be even greater). I was living a very singular life and into my 30s, I saw the well of decent, “normal” single guys dry up. It became apparent that I might never find “the one.”

I took the few positive aspects of being a single person (no compromises, vacations, fewer obligations) and tried to live that life. I got my own apartment, made sure that I was truly happy in my job, planned fun vacations, and did lots of things (gallery openings, dinner, movies) with friends whenever I could. I decided that no matter whether I wound up finding someone or I lived my life alone, I wasn’t going to look back with regret. And no matter how long my single life went on, I wanted to have as much fun as possible and experience as much as I could while I was alone.

Anyway, it sounds like you have this covered. And you should be proud---you are the person that you admired and your fortitude should get you through this. Like you said, you might have not been S.N. and been in the same boat (like I was). You never compromised.

I wish you well in all your future endeavors.

4/13/2005 01:29:00 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Kol HaKavod,ve Behatzlacha.

4/13/2005 04:32:00 PM  
Blogger Shira said...

Wow. Your blog was powerful, inspirational and moving and you handled all comments, even the not-so-nice-ones, with dignity and grace. Best of luck on your journey and I wish you well. Please keep posting every once in a while to let us know how you're doing - whoever goes out with you will be a very lucky guy.

4/13/2005 05:18:00 PM  
Blogger Daphna said...

Mazal tov and Behatzlecha!

4/13/2005 06:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would rather have that than give something away before I am ready

Having sex is not giving anything away. You don't lose anything. Virginity is not a commodity. The whole thing started because men wanted to be sure that the first child was theirs back when women were bought and sold.

You only get one life. It's senseless to waste part of it for some age-old customs which don't make sense in today's society.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh.

I'm much happier now that I'm not frum. And not in a shallow way.

--A formerly Orthodox Jew

4/13/2005 07:24:00 PM  
Blogger Shirie said...

Hi,

You are AMAZING! for writing this. You have such incredible inner strength. I am 25 and also single. I also go through hard times. I became frum at 14 while in yeshiva high school, and every yom tov I have to go to friends, etc. While some people tell me to look at it as "cultural tourism," I've had enough. I just want my own shabbos table..

In terms of being shomer, kol hakavod. In high school, the cool thing to do was not to be, and I followed the crowd. Since then, I have definitely felt used, and a whole flurry of emotions. My occasional un-shomerness, no one ever knows. On the surface I look like I graduated Stern last year. I feel like a hypocrite inside.

Recently, I had a bit of an un-shomer run-in. Afterwards, it put a new spin on my davening. I told Hashem that I can't hold out for so much longer. That I don't have willpower, that I wanted to have a physical relationship with 100% full emotion- with my husband.

I think its incredible that you are able to hold out.

Please write your name in a post (__ bat ___ so that I can daven for you). Thank you!

4/13/2005 07:47:00 PM  
Blogger Rambling Rose Cottage said...

I am sorry that you are hurting. I hope that you find the special someone you are looking for. Take care!

4/13/2005 07:56:00 PM  
Blogger Mirty said...

I've also found blogging surprisingly helpful and healing. I wasn't able to bring myself to read all your posts, because my personal memories of the time when I was "shomer negiah" are too painful for me. I admire your courage and conviction.

4/14/2005 11:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am over 30, live in Jerusalem and never been kissed. You are definately not the only one out there! Great blog!

4/15/2005 12:58:00 AM  
Blogger annabel lee said...

shirie, it's quite possible to have your own Shabbat table even if you're single. I host Shabbat meals every month or two, as do many of my single friends.

4/15/2005 01:44:00 AM  
Blogger Safiyyah said...

Once again, an incredible piece of writing and a beautiful way to end this blog. Your clarity of writing and you insights are quite impressive.
By the way, did you know Muslims also maintain strict gender separation before marriage?

4/15/2005 05:34:00 AM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

It's time for action now.

4/15/2005 08:24:00 AM  
Blogger rabbi neil fleischmann said...

I give you a lot of credit for writing so well, so honestly. Thank you.
May G-d Bless You In Every Way.

4/15/2005 11:46:00 AM  
Anonymous BF said...

NJG,

Being S.N. is supposed to be a short interval from the start of courtship to the wedding, like a proverbial day-long public fast day, NOT the torturous 14-year famine that causes you and others to waste away in sadness.

Your misery at never having been kissed is not the fault of halacha or even of your being S.N., it's because you're single. Why you're still single is an entirely separate topic best addressed in private with wise people whom you trust.

Much of your pain is merely symptomic of this disease of being unmarried: loneliness, depression, anger, laxity. Perfectly understandable. Treating these symptoms may ultimately be necessary to get you through the day or dissuade you from suicide.

Friends, family, hobbies, exercise, entertainment, and even learning are worthwhile pursuits, but there's nothing wrong with you if they don't bring you true simcha.

Check out endthemadness.org and ocweb.org for insight into some causes of the "shidduch crisis" and effects of being single, respectively.

Sorry I don't have better advice for you, but perhaps my insights will be of value to you.

BF

4/15/2005 11:54:00 AM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Jschick.blogspot is also featuring this web site as his front line item. Also check w/ hirhurim.blogspot.com I saw some discussion of the problem over there, an excellent lumdishe spot run by the erudite Gil Student, of Yashar books fame.

VG Summay BF. I expect she will close this down over the weekend.

Everything has been said, action bold action is needed. I expect her to be engaged by Shavuous of this year.

4/15/2005 12:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

eeshaish, I expect you to be on prozac by Shavuous this year.

4/15/2005 12:26:00 PM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Nah, you must be joking. I wouldn't go near that garbage, what for? A friend of mine loves Zanax, he gets it online. And why does he love it? 'It really Fxxks you up, man'. Don't need that. I get high on Judaism, Shabbos, Yuntiv, my children, learning Torah as I did last night.

4/15/2005 01:51:00 PM  
Blogger Hoezentragerin said...

I expect her to be engaged by Shavuous of this year.
EEEEEEEESH!!!???
How can you be so insensitive, deaf and blind?
Didn't you read the post "soon by you?"
You mean well, but please realize that your comments often hurt more than they heal.

4/15/2005 02:57:00 PM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

You have no faith. You need to learn about Hishtadlus, about you, you have the power to change the world.

I have a guy for her, she only needs to respond to my email addy which I sent to her on 3 occasions.

I believe in action. If you think that everything is easy, that everything is handed to you on a platter, imho, yu are wrong.

A Jewish leader is not going to be loved by everybody.

What did you do for her, did you think of someone for her to meet?

4/15/2005 03:09:00 PM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Anyway, it looks like this is history for her. I think she has posted 3 sentences in the past 2 days. This is her wishes to leave it be. It doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to help.

4/15/2005 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger Hoezentragerin said...

What does all this have to do with your predictions and time-lines?

4/15/2005 03:43:00 PM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

Good we'll see that I am correct. I have someone for her.

4/15/2005 03:55:00 PM  
Blogger Gothamimage said...

You are a terric writer. Please stop by gothamimage, for a laugh

4/16/2005 06:34:00 PM  
Anonymous MichaelFeldstein said...

Wow! Just read all of your well written posts on this blog. They are brutally honest, painful, and uplifting...all at the same time. Yasher koach!

I have been happily married for 23 years, but I sympathize with Orthodox singles--and the frustrations that many experience.

There's no magic bullet, but certainly discussing some of these issues honestly is a great way to make more people (singles and marrieds) aware of the situation.

Good luck in all your future endeavors. I wish only good things for you.

Michael Feldstein
Stamford, CT
mike38ct@aol.com

4/17/2005 12:23:00 AM  
Anonymous eeshaish said...

This has been one of the most amazing blogs that I have ever been on.

We wait for more words of wisdom for our Melave Malke. Words of courage, inspirations, humor.

Yes let us make sure to have a Melave Malka every week.

Now does the Seder count as a Melava Malke?

4/17/2005 12:38:00 AM  
Blogger Schroeder said...

Wow. Thank you for your courage in offering you innermost thoughts, and a forum for me to explore something about which I never knew anything.

I respect your personal choice in how you want to live your life.

Having said that, I think most people would admit that they've made mistakes in people they've dated, kissed, and had sex with.

We're human. We make mistakes. Hopefully, we don't have to live the rest of our lives with those mistakes. I, personally, have regrets about the people I chose to have relationships with. But I have also moved on and found happiness elsewhere.

There appears to be a very good reason for N.S., to prevent conception out of marriage--which can be devastating to a child, and society.

The reason for strict adherence, however, has long since passed. There are ways to have sex safely. There is a much larger pool of people to choose from thanks to our ability to travel and move in larger circles of acquaintences. This increases our chances of finding a compatible partner. Finally, I imagine that historically, N.S. was something applied at a very early age. People commonly married when they were young teenagers.

Respecting your personal choice, as I said, I would still encourage you to think about the purpose of N.S., and explore a little life outside of N.S.

Please keep us updated.

4/17/2005 12:58:00 AM  
Blogger Chai18 said...

great blog and good luck!!!

4/17/2005 02:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is so painful to watch my friends in your position struggle to create a meaningful Jewish life without a husband and a family in a community which has not catered for that possibility.
My single male friends are such arseholes, so superficial, so aware of how the odds are stacked in their favor.
This is not just your issue but one that the wider orthodox jewish community had better wake up and begin to deal with.

In the meantime, good luck and thanks for sharing.

4/17/2005 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Ol Cranky said...

I was an occasional lurker who, like you, is frustrated at trying to find the nice, Jewish mensch so I can settle down and have a full and meaningful Jewish life and family. I am sorry to see you stop blogging as you provided insight to those of us with experiences both similar and not (and both).

Best of luck to you!

4/17/2005 01:26:00 PM  
Anonymous p_almonius said...

This is from a parsha sheet I picked up in shul on Shabbat (in Israel), it's called Mekori Yisraeli, comes from "Maayanei Hayeshuah", which sounded at first like missionaries, but the other articles are from Rav Shmuel Eliyahu and Rav Shlomo Aviner so I guess not, and I suppose this shows that discussion of singles isn't restricted to frummies complaining about shadchanim and the wild and crazy youth of the Katamonim, but is also being discussed in serious national-religious circles. The original was in Hebrew, the translation is mine.

This article is called "Singlehood - Freedom?" and is unsigned, but in Hebrew it is clear the author is female, I indicated this as much as was possible in the English.


To try to explain the difficulties of the average single is not an easy task at all, but I decided to attempt this difficult task for the benefit of future generatons.

When I was a single woman of age 22, I would look with pity (secretly, of course ...) at girls aged 28 and up who remained alone, and was convinced that their naturel place was only in Geha (a psychiatric hospital in Petach Tikva - p.) (in a room with a window, in case they wanted to end it all ...) because it was obvious that something was wrong with them, it couldn't be otherwise. Today, at age 31, thank God, and stil alone - that reality, folks, is much closer than I thought, or thought that I would think ...

As married people, how often have you, either openly or secretly, been jealous for a moment of your single girlfriend, who is free as a sparrow (the Hebrew word for sparrow, dror, also means liberty - p.), whose evenings are always free, and the only question she has is where to go when the stars come out, whose income is spent only on herself, not to mention that part of her rent is paid by her parents, who has time to sit in coffee shops, and the nights, oh those nights, of uninterrupted sleep until the alarm clock wakes her at 7AM ...

I don't plan to shatter all the myths, there are after all some advantages ...

This situation called singlehood is fundamentally a problem. You've advanced in all other aspects of life, you've studied, gotten a degree, taken advanced courses, been at least once in the big mall in Tel Aviv, and here you are stuck. In the eyes of society you are an emotional cripple, perpetually miserable, and mainly desparately in need of urgent advice to get out of the crisis. You are clearly unable to help yourself (you haven't been so successful up to this point) and itl's perfectly clear that things would have worked themselves out by now if you were only a bit less picky ... and I know that this all comes from honest concern and good will, but suddenly, the attempt to understand what they want from you becomes the task of your life, at least meanwhile ...

The key phrase: (let's get right to it) "You know, if you really wanted, I mean really, it would have happened already." A week later someone else meets you and says "Relax, sister, you are too stressed, it will only come when you aren't expecting it." Or "Perhaps you should wear some makeup, you are after all in your thirties ...?" And then, from somewhere else "Go natural. It's much better". Or "You have so much free time, enjoy it..." and then "You aren't getting any younger, you know ..."

In the end, if you don't get a bit dizzy from all this advice (Geha, remember the room with the window!) and if you hold on, at least by your teeth, and go to work, go to celebrations, and come back again and again from blind-deaf-and-dumb dates (the Hebrew was 'pegishot akarot' - p.) and you don't have a nervous breakdown someone will say to you "You know, you are too strong, it intimidates boys."

But no one knows what it is to wait for the telephone to ring and when it does, it's the aunt of the neighbor of your brother (if that) who tries to set you up with someone who even she doesn't know, and no one knows how on each Yom Kippur, you find something else to repent for, even if you aren't really sure what it is, and no one knows how much strength it takes to get yourself to you cousin's wedding, the one who is at least eight years younger than you ... And noe one sees the tears that stick in your throat when you realize that it is Pesach again, when last year you promised that this year you wouldn't be at the Seder by yourself ... And no one can count the nights that you just have a hard time falling asleep, because you are so alone, and no one can understand your need for the slightest touch, for the simplest closeness, and no one knows how pathetic you feel when you buy a gift for the son of your cousin from the previous part, the one who is still at least eight years younger than you ...

So what? Really know one knows, and no one is supposed to.

Everyone has something to deal with, so we deal with this. Sometimes with tears, and sometimes it's fine. No one knows, and no one will. So, the way it seems from the outside, is that you are in a movie, and don't realize just how bad off you are ...

The bottom line in this story is that the thing you most want in life, you can't do. You want so much to love, and you can't. And this need is so basic, and so basic, and so longed for - but your hands are tied, and you wants and desires have to stay locked up.

So when your nephews come to visit - you cover them with kisses, smother them with hugs - while pain crushes you from inside - if only there was some way you could squeeze it out, a bit of this unrealized love, to reduce the pressure a bit, of the boulder that you have within you, waiting, wating, wating, years now for some respect.

But you know well that this is a pitiful imitation of your your true abolities. You know that you so much want to give. That you so much want to really love. That you so much want to achieve real freedom. And so I have nothing left but the stubbon, almost opressive prayaer "hey God, what about me ...?"

That's it. I have to stop whining. Gotta run. I have to meet a girlfriend for coffee ...

A Kosher and happy Pesach to all Israel, and this year, to all those who sit by themselves - we are with you, hang in there.

4/17/2005 02:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear NJG,

I sent you a greeting card to your e-mail adress with warm wishes. you can open it safely.
Falling Angel

4/17/2005 03:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Focus on who you are.
Focus on the people you CAN touch- both physically and emotionally.
Focus on finding your mate.
Ask for help- for whatever!
Know that there are others, myself included, who are crying on the inside, for whatever reason.
Appreciate your future spouse, even more so, when you can touch him.
Touch is an important thing. Touch your mother, your father, your sisters, your brothers, your chavrusah, your rebbetzin, your nieces and nephews (when they are young).

4/17/2005 06:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wewe

4/17/2005 07:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you
you and your writing and this blog have been a real chizuk.
may everything that you hope and pray for come true.

4/18/2005 03:45:00 PM  
Anonymous feel said...

I have no words...

You are so cool, NJG.

4/18/2005 11:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you.

You made this into a real learning experience.

4/18/2005 11:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I sympathize w. you alot. I grew up very frum and I resent the fact that I was denied norma sexual and intimate experiences with members of the opposite sex. I witnessed many of my friends had a twisted view of sexuality not to mention many who engaged in homosexual acitivity- and all because of what? repression of normal sexual expression. I am almost completely not frum and not s.n. today.

4/20/2005 01:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I sympathize w. you alot. I grew up very frum and I resent the fact that I was denied norma sexual and intimate experiences with members of the opposite sex. I witnessed many of my friends had a twisted view of sexuality not to mention many who engaged in homosexual acitivity- and all because of what? repression of normal sexual expression. I am almost completely not frum and not s.n. today.

4/20/2005 01:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Hobbes said...

Very well put.
may all your problems end soon...

4/20/2005 02:35:00 AM  
Blogger Yaakov said...

your a brave girl and i was so impresed with your blogg it has prompted me to write my own blogg. I pray that you will find your zivig quickly but in the meantime we all should do what we can to "fix" what is so obviously brocken. Torah observance and peoples well being and even life itself is at stake. It is said that if you save one life it is as if you have saved a whole world well the counter is also true... if you destroy one life you destroy a whole world. The issue of older single observant jewish people in this country having such a horrible time in finding their zivig is such a calamity that imo the not one but worlds upon worlds are and have been destroyed. Lives waisted and faith shattered by an orthodox world that has so called leaders who give no leadership, so called Rabbis that have no thoughts of how to intervene to save even on life and a community full of well meaning and or just plain opportunists who prey on the plight of singles by being "the shadkin" while not taking one minute to look at who they are introducing. If they walk, talk and breath than they must be right for each other. I have many suggestions of what could and should be done to start to rectify the horrific evil besetting our comunity but in the meantime I refuse to be a victim and will not just sit idly by my brother/s or sisters blood.


For those who may be interested the following is a link to my blogg that I have just started having been inspired by this one brave and courageous jewish girl. Love and a Kosher and Freilich Pesach to all.
http://observantsingle.blogspot.com

thank you again for your writtings from your heart.

4/20/2005 02:37:00 AM  
Anonymous b,h,&e said...

NJG, I tried sending you an email, but I suspect that it didn't go through. So, I'll just post it:
_____________________________
I just wanted to say hi and to let you know that I'm still thinking of (and praying for) you.

I truly wish you a chag kasher v'same'ach.

b,h,&e

4/21/2005 11:11:00 PM  
Blogger Chutzpah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/25/2005 02:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NJG i hope you are having a good pesach.

4/26/2005 07:57:00 AM  
Blogger Chutzpah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 10:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 11:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Heid G. said...

I agree especially as this blog is about compassion, openeness, and the conflict of morality and human condition. How NJG is walking a delicate tightrope between these. There is no room for such a betryal of trust like that on this blog.

4/26/2005 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Hoezentragerin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 01:23:00 PM  
Blogger Hoezentragerin said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 01:26:00 PM  
Blogger Chutzpah said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 01:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Heidi G. said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 02:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Matters of the soul? tell us what are we missing?

4/26/2005 02:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 02:50:00 PM  
Anonymous hieseyidene said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 02:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/26/2005 03:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a good discourse going on here, notably about Chutzpahs betrayal of trust and self serving agenda - - but alas it was deleted for some reason.

4/27/2005 08:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi. im not jewish but came across your blog. can i believe it? yes. more power to you.

i didn't realize jewish laws were so strict. i am a woman and i can't imagine living that way. i'm sure your future husband will be one lucky man.

goodluck to you!

4/28/2005 12:26:00 AM  
Anonymous anthony said...

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Hope you'd have a better day!

-Anthony

4/28/2005 12:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Needsanewjob said...

There was a very embarassing exchange that served nobody any good, so I am glad that NJG deleted it. Wishing you all a miraculous Passover.

4/28/2005 08:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear NJG,
I only discovered your blog tonight. It wasnt happenstance. It was out of desperation. I actually did a google search for a sexually desperate frum person....someone who wanted to experiment with me.....insane right? so i am. or so ive become [sometimes]...
i think of myself as someone who is frum and has put in much time and effort trying to be an oved Hashem....someoen who worked hard to try to be better...more torahdik....more makpid on halacha..... only to find myself slowly losing my spirituality, losing the love of G-d, of Judaism, of LEARNING, of life itself during these long lonely years......... sound ridiculous? Years spent happily in yeshiva and kollel and being makpid in halacha on kala kechamura have now reduced me today to googling for a kiss, for a hug, for affection. In truth,NJG, these comments are meant only for you. i am not really interested in publishing this but i did not see a private email address to email you. You may keep it up if you wish. Tonight i half tried to persaude a religious coworker of mine to gimme a hug....i keep telling her that i 'say' that i would do it, but lemaaaseh, i wonder if i would dare... the worse part is after spending years in yeshiva and even getting my semicha [so i know exactly what the issues are....i would be a mezid from beginning to end]......i stillfind myself sometimes losing control.... but what i can i say? what can i do? i am a 30 year old male who has been Shomer negiah all the way in the full sense of the word. i spent years in yeshiva after college because i felt a real love for torah....for spirituality....who around age 26/27 or so suddenly started to feel....intense lonliness....worse, a lack of any where to turn, no one to really talk to.....almsot all my friends are married with children....they keep shteiging away, trying to squeeze in learning with their day jobs...or they are in chinuch or still in kollel.....they dont understand why ive changed...why i let go of the yeshivish path and have returned to my modox roots in a sense....
honestly, i think i, perhaps more than all your readers here can appreciate and truly understand you. i have felt the impossible sexual tensions....worse, halacha doesnt allow me a 'vibrator' -no maturbation...though i cant say i have been successful with that...i know it has brought me spiritualy into a rut and deep pit i cant get away from....it has led me, someone who [i say this without meaning to sound boastful - honest] was not interested in making a ton of money in life but was searching for something higher, something...real...to be a holy person...to have a real connection with Him....to really Know and sacrifice for Torah....as Jews have always done in the past - to the point where now and for the past few years i have become almost a porn addict....i feel like a low piece of dirt...from so high to ...now.... to porn.....and i know that Only you and Not your readers can understand what im saying..... it takes you down emotionally...your INCESSANT NEED for AFFECTION makes you MAD...it takes away your normality... oh not in public...then i am my regular self...haha for crying out loud, i'm the office 'rabbi' even, people ask me 'shailos'....about pesach about basar bechalav errors in their kitchens.....this and that....when they dont know that deep inside i feel like the greatest hypocrite.... i feel like chas veshalom i dont like HIM anymore....bc i am alone. i feel like i dont want to talk to HIM anymore.
and i dont. my tefilla is garbage. i keep halacha like mitzvat anashim melumada. oh i am frum, but only in deed, not at heart. ive come to hate myself sometimes. hate my life. my empty life. and it has sometimes casued me to have doubts about the whole system. oh, i can answer myself, but the sexual frustrations, the complete lack of affection, the lack of ANY OUTLET for my needs...has driven me a bit nuts i think, deep down inside. Oh i do have plenty of dates i must admit. that is what saves me. but in the past....and sometimes now....its made me...broken me a bit....hollowed me out..made me a shell of my former self i think.......
i dont think abt sex all day. ive found an outlet. occasional porn. masturbation. here i admit it. YOu NJG, are th eONLY person in the world who now knows this. and if you decide to keep this on your blog, [i hope you dont] you [folks] are now the ONLY people in the world who know it. it makes me sick on the one hand. on the other hand -i just dont care anymore. im only a human i tell myself. i cant deny myself forever.
im still shomer negiah - 100%. but i am a hollow shell due to it.....sometimes...and its not only the physical aspect i think,...deep down -its the lack of affection...its being unable to naturally wrap my arms around a girl that i really like..or smooch a kiss...or get a quick hug.... its about being ALONE. just me and my empty bed, me and empty shabboses [friends dont cut it folks]. me and myself.
i read your blog for around half an hour. no more time tonight. i saw that your blog has helped you so i hope you dont mind if i vent here tonight more than ive ever vent abt this in my life. publish it if you like, i hope you dont.ultimately it matters not. its the truth.
oh, dont get me wrong. overall im ok.NOW at least. i do admit to having in the past some suicidal thoughts, there have been some years of..we'll call them devastating and deep depression...days, where like you...i just could not get out of bed to go to work.....what the hell for? till my boss's boss [head of the whole department] personally called me at home one moring to know why i hadnt come in for a week...'sleeping problems' i say....i dont sleep well. and its the truth.
there are cycles you know. some up, some where you hate life, god, and most of all, your 'loser' self... and some where you are back to your normal self...wherre you hasve hope....where you can flower and go 'forward' in life....and thats the worst part =feeling like youre stuck in developmental freezeframe....like you never grew uo and truly experienced life.......but, i can offer you as ray of light.... i am still here. im still ok. im still shomer negiah and though i have had chances to break it, and i mean all the way [a secular jewish woman i work closely with at work practically propositioned me a few times...and i really like/liked her..and vice verse] im still keeping the faith...though it has had very very great costs. so tonight i broke down. again. i half propositioned a frum female work mate who ive known for years and whom i do care bout....not for sex....i can only dream of that...just for a hug...for AFFECTION....and she said...get real..... and i found your blog in desperation....
i think ive written enough.....
i cant end on a bitter note..how do we say....
yeshuat Hashem keheref ayin.... i hope it comes to you very soon.

5/05/2005 02:09:00 AM  
Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

Anon,

You are not alone. I hope it helped to get all that off your chest, kol hakavod for doing so. NJG's blog and comments have shown that there are many people in the same or similar position as you, there's no simple solution, no quick-fix. Struggling with the yetser is a life-long task. It's compounded by depression, loneliness, anxiety, guilt and all the other things us single Jews are great at. Try and stay strong and use haaramos against the yetser, and remember Hashem loves you whatever happens.

Good luck.

TRF

5/05/2005 08:58:00 AM  
Anonymous b,h,&e said...

agreed.
i can tell you that there are many of us. you may be able to take comfort in that (I have).
hang in there, and don't give up -- spiritually, marriage-wise, and self-esteem-wise.

may Hashem help us,
b,h,&e

5/05/2005 03:07:00 PM  
Blogger Shtreimel said...

Anon,
If masturbating keeps you from doing an Aveirah it’s a Mitzvah to do it!
(אבן העזר, סימן כג)

See also the Chochmas Shlomo there, that has a wonderful way of explaining whi it's allowed.

5/05/2005 10:57:00 PM  
Blogger Needsabetterjob said...

Anon,I think you should consider going to a prostitute. If you can afford a trip to either Las Vegas, or Amsterdam, it is legal there so you won't have the pressure of worrying about the cops... Tell the girl it is your first time and enjoy yourself.

I think it will help you attain a shidduch. You sound way too out of whack for someone to handle you the way you are, trying to staddle both worlds. Do it before you split completely.

5/06/2005 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Needsabetterjob said...

Another thing Anon, the tension is always going to be there, even after you are married, for years. You are going to want to have marital relations w/ your wife more often than it is going to happen in reality. Here for example, I have the shittiest job I have ever had, I hate every minute there, but I rush out to be on time every morning bec. I have a strong American work ethic. But today, I had to be late, so I had nothing to do early in the morning, enough time, no one around, so I cranked one out. Now I feel much more relaxed and composed at work, the sky is not falling down, soon will be lunch, the day will end, and I will exit the jail.
Other days, I am tearing my hair out literally.
Can't do this all the time, and wouldn't want to, but it serves a purpose.

5/06/2005 11:12:00 AM  
Anonymous carnal plight said...

needsabetterjob,

you crack me up man LOLOL.

and laughter is almost as good a release as 'tsk tsk' or ahem, for that matter. blessings dude, and to all else who need them. meeeeeeeeee

5/06/2005 05:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Ashira said...

By writing this blog you have created a very powerful prayer. Now that it's finished, you can read it to HaShem. Writing it was simply the first step.

Believe in the ultimate power of your tefilah. That's why you (and all of us) have been entrusted with a broken, broken heart. Like Rochel Imeynu, you have a potential for prayer that is incredibly far reaching.

Now that you've finished writing your blog, you can read it to HaShem. Instead of typing in silence, you can engage your voice (quietly, in solitude), moving your lips, speaking the words (malchus peh).

All the feelings and concepts you shared with us remain in a state of potential until you speak them out to HaShem, even in a whisper, even just one time.

There are so many Jewish singles now - as well as unhappy marriages -- and all of us are breaking. This has never happened in all our history. We are a generation fighting despair at its very root. But it's the final confrontation with the enemy that is besieging our planet. Terrorism is despair, too. If we fight despair, we're bringing the geulah.

We all want to help one another, but we can't. Only HaShem can truly help. He's the Shadchan, and He's listening. He wants you -- and all of us -- to have a chayim tovim. We're all in this together.

I was widowed at the age of 50, six years ago, and alone many years before I married, also SN. I know your pain, believe me.

But we were sent here to discover and actualize our unique strengths -- to bring light into this dark world.

Sharing your pain with other people through writing is one thing, but speaking all the words you wrote to HaShem, and (silent) screaming to Him -- a wordless, whispered but deeply heartfelt scream that no one can hear but Him - is an aspect of the vocalized, collective scream we shared at Yam Suf.

Via blogging, you've actually written a passionate, beautiful prayer! Now it's time to use your voice. Read the entries, every word of them, to HaShem. He is the best listener, because He knows why you're going through this pain and He also knows who your zivug is.

Chazak, achoti! B'surot Tovot!

5/07/2005 06:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the anonymous Rabbi who published before Shabbos,

There are LOTS of people out here who can relate to everything you're struggling with....not just NJG.

I hope you've taken NJG's advice about professional help to heart. You're suffering terribly, and it need not be so. The cat-and-mouse stuff with co-workers (oh, how I relate!) only makes things worse.

Seriously, if you haven't already, try and explore what's going on inside with a professional, and I wish you -- and others in similar situations -- much Hatzlacha.

DES

5/08/2005 08:08:00 AM  
Blogger Needsabetterjob said...

Ashira, What a wonderful breath of fresh air you are. I did not get a sense of what the man should do from your post. Maybe that just to contemplate, pray, and wait, and Hashem will put the idea or whatever in his mind, is that the approach?
The problem w/ this methodology is that how much time must pass iow, despair is the enemy, and despair, is a very very clever enemy. Despair knows how to program the pashut adam (pishad?) to get to despair, then he leaves him there, despair can relax.
IMO, action is an antidote to despair, as well as prayer. To work them on 2 separate mayshorim, pathways, like the beach and the beach road.
Just like, an unemployed person's mood changes when he has a job interview lines up. It naturally becomes excited. Even if he had many rejections, he is able to get into the right mood and proper frame of mind, much like the men and women who arrive at Shule, 10-60 minutes early.
I submit that Yachad w/ your advice to prayer he should be making a decision, does he want to remain a S/N or not, knowing full well in his heart of heart, that Ha-Shem, Ha Kadosh Boruch Hu, and not a Rabbi, will respect and accept and understand his decision.
If otoh, he is re-committing himself to pure S/N, then he must also keep a dairy and log book as to what he is doing for his Hishtadlus for his Shadchanus, and he should make this log public or to a few wise people to analyze what he may be doing wrong. Then if there was no Yeshuas Ha-Shem by the Yomim Tovim, either re-evaluate his S/N, or go to a Psychotherapist. My only problem w/ going to a Psychologist/Psychiatrist, is that they are quick to proscribe medications,drugs. There drugs do what all drugs do. They make you feel great the first time, but then you get hooked. It will usually cause physiological problems as well.
I do not see why he cannot still try the lighter approach, he is a kid really.
Shalom UvRacha, May we all be Zoiche for a YeShuas Ha-Shem, in the coming days,
Reb Zevulun Melamed,
Needsajobbadly

5/08/2005 02:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

34 is not old!!! Do not think of yourself as old!!! You are young!!!
Men want beauty and money. AND, they do not have much money themselves. SO, make yourself VERY gorgeous: makeup, nails, teeth and hair, AND also make it very plain to everyone you are not at ALL put off by a decidedly ordinary salary. We really must forget about money, assuming the person does an honest hard day's work. The men are HORRIBLY complexed about their salaries. They think we women will look down on them. They need to be reassured on this point. This is the big sticking point and it is SO stupid. Life is a struggle at any income level! Money doesn't grow on trees: so the more men earn, the less you see of them, and the worse their mood. Men are very scared, and extremely influenced by appearance, so we just have to address those two things. Your "problem" is going to disappear of its own weight because you will marry soon, and we will all have to post about something else, like childbirth. Ha ha! Seriously. This is going to PASS. Just wear scarves and heels.

5/09/2005 06:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What should a man do? 1) Have nice white teeth (cosmetic dentistry) and 2) increase the price of his shirts by one-third and 3) double the price of his ties. And, have a serious commitment to brushing clothes, shoes, and hat, every single morning, without fail. Have a new-looking wallet and watch-band. A man has to look fresh. That's all it takes!!!

5/09/2005 06:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why am I focusing on appearance? Because there is NOTHING WRONG with the single people!!BUT we live in an age of perfect packaging. That's why! This kind of beauty and personal packaging is necessary after the person is no longer very, very young. It is EXPECTED. But, some people do not think of it, because they are not superficial by nature. But THEY TOO are unconsciously influenced by others' appearance. DON'T FIGHT this, go with it, go to the costmetic dentist, and put gasoline in your beshert. Beshert is beshert, but it still needs gasoline to run on!

5/09/2005 07:12:00 PM  
Anonymous ZSJ said...

Anonymous Rabbi from last week:

You are SO not alone. We know very much what you are going through. Hoping you feel better now and that you also try to find someone to talk to who you can trust.

Your future wife is also out there... not long to go, I have a feeling.

5/10/2005 06:38:00 PM  
Blogger Chutzpah said...

NJG,

Just to let you know, Haloscan.com has a great comment moderating service. For only $12.00 you can see the IP address of every poster and you can delete comments before they appear on your site. Seems alot of people enjoyed your writing. It would be ashame not to continue because of certain creeps who "have a guy for you"

5/12/2005 10:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Morty Kwestel said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/27/2005 06:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

morty you are truly repulsive, get a life

5/29/2005 03:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We need an update! How is your dating life?

5/31/2005 05:19:00 PM  
Blogger Me, Uncensored said...

Just found your blog tonight. I think you and the nice anonymous Jewish boy need to meet -- who knows maybe G-d is using this blog to bring you your bashert!

I understand if you don't want to post anymore but if you don't mind to do a mitzvah, could you let us all know that you're still with us?

6/05/2005 03:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weight is never, never, ever an issue. FASHION is a huge issue. A chic woman gets looks, attention, love and respect. This takes money, committment, intelligence, positive-mindedness, self-respect and endless discipline. Yet, it is FUN! In time it becomes second nature and stops being hard. There are ways to get it all done cheaper, once you know how it works. It is a big subject and takes time to master! But ANY woman can wear the right clothes, the right make-up, the right hair. Men are TOTALLY tuned in to the minutest nuances of this stuff. That is one of life’s mysteries, but they are. They know the language, they know the codes, and they don’t forgive the smallest fashion mistake. The good news is, it works. Very few people are really impossible to make attractive. If you have a big fat body, put good quality, well draped clothes on it, and don’t fret. Plenty of men have tummies, too. This is absolutely no big deal! Don’t spend money on a Stairmaster. Spend the same money on jewelry and force yourself to wear it all the time. The Casual Revolution has destroyed romance, dignity, charm, beauty and happiness. Fight back! NO CASUAL CLOTHES EVER to paraphrase Joan Crawford. Why? Because you look terrible in them, how’s that? OK, you can wear flowing robes and sandals on your day off. But very carefully chosen, with a nice pedicure - which you can do yourself. Sorry, men. I just had to say it.

6/08/2005 01:25:00 PM  
Blogger Me, Uncensored said...

Anonymous -- on what planet?

Guys rarely notice clothes, they notice T&A. The only clothes they notice are the ones that enhance, or flat out expose, T&A.

Put me in the finest clothing in the world and walk me down the street next to Cindy Crawford in ratty jeans and a dirty T-shirt and see what happens.

I totally agree that we've all gotta make the most of what G-d gave us. And a weight problem doesn't mean one has to be single, either -- I've been fat all my life and have never lacked for ahh, suitors.

But the number of suitors I would have had would have been quadruple if I'd been born a size 6.

All's I'm saying is that weight matters a whole lot more than what you're making it out to be.

6/08/2005 11:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Share with NJG how you do it. You knock the pale, wan, dully dressed size 6's out of the park.

I am NOT talking about look over- done, or excessive, garish or corny. Classy taste, sure.

YOU know how it's done. You are living proof!!

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**UPDATE! FREE SHIPPING FOR A LIMITED TIME!**

Better than klear action whitening and ION whitening systems! Half the
price too!

Welcome to PerfectlyWhite.com,

PerfectlyWhite.com is proud to present to you the first ever at home
laser whitening treatment. We are bringing you the most popular in
office treatment at home for the fraction of the cost! One laser
treatment at a doctors office can run around $600 as shown above. This
is very exciting news for anyone who is looking into whitening their
teeth professionally in the comfort of their own home. Best of all you
can have this plasma light technology for much less! The light is yours
to keep and can be used as many times as you like! You can achieve
professional results in less than 7 days! Our method also works in
between your teeth and deep down below the enamel. This procedure will
not damage or wear away the enamel.

How does it work?

Its very simple. The Plasma light will increase the breakdown speed of
Carbamide Peroxide, in turn releasing more oxygen which speeds up the
bleaching process. The oxygen acts as a bleaching agent that whitens
your teeth safely and effectively. This is why you can pay as much as $600
to get your teeth whitened professionally.

Plasma Laser Light Technology!

Never before seen in any at home whitening kit! Just Like at a real in
office visit, all our deluxe kits have the plasma light tool to
accelerate the whitening process. No one else offers this authentic at
home tool. Its Very easy to operate and safe to use. Accelerate your
whitening by as much as 300% with this method! This means whiter teeth
in less time!

At last, you no longer have to visit your dentist for that
white bright smile you have always wanted!

Our professional dental whitening kit is the same product used by many
of the top cosmetic dentists. Why consider paying up to $600, when for a
few short minutes per day, you to can achieve the exact same results in
the comfort of your own home. Best of all, it will cost you a fraction
of the price!

40% stronger than an in-office visit...

To provide you with superior results, our fully licensed line of
products is one of the industry's strongest and most effective tooth
whitening formulas. The main active ingredient is 35% Carbamide Peroxide.
This concentration is 40% stronger than most dentists use during an in
office visit!

A little more about our 7 day plasma treatment:

* This procedure will NOT harm or damage your tooth's enamel.

This system can't be found in stores!

We are the only internet site who sells this new product!

We are the exclusive seller of this NEW at home treatment!

You and your friends can take advantage of this treatment with just one
plasma light!

Plasma light treatment only takes on average 7 days to complete!

Results are 100% guaranteed and 100% safe! for more informationCLICK HERE

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I randomly stumbled on this blog and while I'm not in the same position you are, I'd like to say Kol Hakavod for standing behind your beliefs. It is people like you who are truly strong individuals, not many people hold to their morals and you are exceptionally to do this. It really made me believe that my beliefs should be honored, just as you have honored yours. Good luck with whatever path you choose from now..
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12/23/2005 06:41:00 PM  

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