Sunday, April 10, 2005

"Soon By You"

Many of the people who have left comments have said either “I am sure you will find your bashert soon” or “I hope you find your bashert soon.” Both of those are very well meaning responses to my blog but I think they point to some basic problems which I want to point out:

First are the people who write “I hope you get married soon.” This is very well meaning but I want to point out that if that is all you have to say then you are confirming that like me you can not think of any way for me to be happy other than to get married. In many ways these people are right because what can take the place of lifelong companionship? Not a career, not friends, not learning Torah, not doing chessed. There are many worthwhile things I can do with my life but none of them can stop me from feeling lonely inside without a partner who loves me and who I can love. My life can have a lot of value from doing other things but I will still be missing something. Two things actually, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.

This is not a problem with the Jewish community, I think it is part of human nature. We are social beings. People want to be loved and part of a family. I do not think that Orthodox single men are happier about being single just because they have a “role” in the community that women do not have. Being part of a minyan or learning in the bais medrash does not take the place of a wife. Also I do not think that non-Jewish people or people who are not part of a religious community at all are any more happy if they want to be married and are not. There are many wonderful and lonely non-Jewish people as well.

So I am not complaining that people who only say “I hope you get married soon” are wrong or saying something bad, I am just pointing out that the comment confirms the basic problem in this blog. Still I wish that someone could offer some advice of what I could do if I never get married that will actually make me feel fulfilled. People are saying to learn more Torah and do more chessed but I tell you I already do those things and yes they are very good and fulfilling but I still cry myself to sleep at night.

Second and more problematic is the comment that “I am sure you will soon find your bashert.”

How do you know that? Do you realize that people have been telling me for more than a decade that “I am sure you will get married soon.” They say “You are such a great person I am sure you will get married soon.” They have always said that and it turns out they were always wrong. Just like you are probably wrong.

I think people say that to make themselves feel better not to make me feel better. When you think about it it is a dismissive comment. It is their way of saying that I feel bad for you and it bothers me that you are in pain so I am going to tell myself and you that the problem will soon go away and then I will not have to worry about your pain any more. You are basically saying There there now, the pain is not so bad because if you wait a little while longer it will soon be over.

I want the people who have little girls to think about my pain and let yourself remain bothered and afraid, not for me but for your daughter. Yes there is a singles crisis and if our community does not work hard to figure out its nature and why it is there and how to help people build relationships and get married, then your own daughter who is now being told “Someday you will be a mommy too” or “Of course the boys will love you sweetheart” or “I am sure you will have no problem finding your bashert” may well prove you wrong as well.

33 Comments:

Anonymous ClooJew said...

Once again, your searing commentary is so on the mark that it's painful.

I agree. These comments are not helpful to anyone but the person making them because it makes them feel better about themselves. And who am I to talk? Why do I post comments? To make myself heard? How does that help you, NJG???

At the same time, lulei demistafina, I think you ought to acknowledge that you have made a mark on over 7000 people (per your count). You are pushing this issue a little bit more toward center stage. And if, through your blog, a few people sit back and think for ten minutes about someone whom they could set up; and through all those connections another couple gets married, well then, you were a part of that.

To your point of helpful advice, there is nothing anyone can say or do that's going to change the fact that you will not be fulfilled until you get married. That may not be true of everybody. Maybe some are fulfilled through their careers and chessed work, but most need that family--and that seems true of you. There's not a whole lot left to say.

I did, however, speak to one person who is a pretty well renowned marriage counselor and he told me he is working on a global shidduchim project. I have offered to help him. I think it could be something unique, combining the best qualities of jdate with traditional shadchanus. We shall see.

4/10/2005 01:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Eeshaish said...

I also think that there are many good ideas that have been presented to you. Just the fact that you have had that many hits, and from what I can see continuing interest, points in a positive way that people are concerned and want to stay in touch, if they can help in any way.

I personally believe that your yeshua will come though this blog that you started and urge you to continue to maintain an active role.

Your strong intellignece, dynamic presence, and exceptional personality, are apparent to anyone reading the entire blog.

All I can say is remain positive and upbeat. You have struck a cord w/ many people, and our blessing and prayers are w/ you. We look forward to Bsuros Tovos, mamash in the extremely near future.

Please if there is anything I can do to help in any way, just ask.

4/10/2005 02:07:00 PM  
Anonymous b,h,&e said...

NJG,
Good post.
However, I'm not sure what advise there is out there which someone here did not suggest. People have suggested shidduchim and dating services; people have given their sympathies and prayers (including myself, and I continue to daily); people have suggested ways to ease your pain. In short, we're trying. We're doing all we can because we DO care.

Your insight about people trying to reassure themselves is fascinating, but I don't know if it's true. Again, what would you rather they say, "too bad for you"?

And I don't think anyone would argue that marriage is not a unique and lovely thing, but when people advise that you try and emphasize some of the other pleasures of life, it is an important way to deal with your situation (which I see you have started to do).

I agree with your estimation that this problem is just as troubling for men as for women.


And I, and others, may be wrong in our belief that you will get married soon (which I still believe, and which will not happen if you give up sincerely looking). I know that. I'm sure they know that. However, we may be right. And most important of all, it is the best attitude to have. It'll help you feel better (if you can internalize it, which is not easy) and it will probably aid in your actual dating (a positive attitude is a good source of motivation and will be attractive too).

Your blog has helped raise awareness of this issue, and that is good.
Luley DiMastafina, there are other things on this blog which I would personally not recommend keeping up for various reasons, vihamayvin yavin.


And lastly, I just wanted to say that though you may soon stop posting on this blog, I will not soon forget you or stop davening for you.

For whatever its worth --
Keep looking NJG, I'm sure you'll find him.

4/10/2005 02:22:00 PM  
Anonymous marriedguy said...

QUOTE
When you think about it it is a dismissive comment. It is their way of saying that I feel bad for you and it bothers me that you are in pain so I am going to tell myself and you that the problem will soon go away and then I will not have to worry about your pain any more.
ENDQUOTE

Very perceptive NJG.

What attracts me to your writing is that your pain is just like my pain. I don't want to dismiss it. I want to know about it and recognize it. Misery loves company because at least this way when you feel your own suffering you are connecting with others and feeling solidarity with them. You aren't going to stop crying yourself to sleep at night any more than I am. So when I do it, I'll know that you and many others for many different reasons are too. And we are all rooting for each other. I somehow know that if you saw me in my loneliness and you saw the one who was neglecting me it would trigger your indignation you would shout out at the one who'se love I want and say to her, give him a hug already, damn you!

I guess that's the wonderful thing about this blog. It's not gonna get you married. But it got you dozens of people in the US and Israel who would just love to stick up for you if only they had a chance. And we all know that you would stick up for us if you had half a chance.

That feels great!

That's why I want to thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope you continue because I think it helps!

By the way, in the event that you don't stop writing, what does your therapist say about the blog?

4/10/2005 02:37:00 PM  
Blogger shleppy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/10/2005 02:37:00 PM  
Anonymous marriedguy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/10/2005 02:52:00 PM  
Anonymous anon e mouse said...

Not to reallly help matters.. but you may want to take a more active role in helping w/ raising kids of friends, or family.

It won't help on the sexual level, but taking the kids for an evening or even an afternoon or something will give you some joy, and them some time off. I'm looking forward to a few friend's having kids, just to be able to play w/ the kids.. since it doesn't look like I'm getting any anytime soon. Even if i started dating someone now, it'd be a min of 1.5 years before any kids.. and that's overly optimistic in my mind..

Like I said.. not helping on the one front, but it does provide for a bit of emotional closeness on another front.

Eh. So goes life.

4/10/2005 03:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Your observer said...

SNG,
Your blog is very interesting to the community as a whole and probably beneficial as it brings the issue to light. So it is definitely serving a dual purpose; your relief and public education. However for you, my advice is:
1) go outside your circles more (we single people can all do this)
2) Find another passion that could if it had to, replaces marriage.
Golda meir, had a family, but quickly tired of it and left it in the dust for her true mission.
3) some people don't find true love till their 50's, so either settle or realize it's okay to be single and dismiss anyone's comments in your community otherwise.
4) consider at the age of 40 becoming a single mom, many frum israeli women are doing this and you'd have a community there (but don't hate men because you did not find one)
5) although some people settle, stay strong ENOUGH as you don't want to get a divorce..imagine what you'd feel like be 45 and getting a divorce...(yeah you'd have kids, but you can have them now as a single woman)
6) don't give up till you are finally ready to stop looking, which could be 10 more years,

4/10/2005 03:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One definition of madness is continuing to do what you have always done and expecting a different result. If you want to get some different result than what life has given you thus far, you need to change a few things.

To begin with, you need to accept that men are attracted to fit women, and make yourself as fit as you can be. This means you've got to eat fewer carbs, especially sweets. Yes, I know you are certain that you don't eat much, but God made the world with certain laws in force (the ones I am referring to are known as the laws of thermodynamics) in force that apply to us all, including the one that says that if you take in more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. So eat less (especially junk) and exercise more. The pounds will come off. You are not above God's physics.

Next, rethink this "no man may touch me" business. Laudible I'm sure for a 17 year old whom all manner of men want to paw, but not for a woman in her mid thirties. As the weight comes off, you need to circulate, and you need to circulate among wider circles of men than has been the case. I'm not urging you to sleep around, but the vast majority of psychologically healthy men out there who remain open to you are going to think you are a mental job if you won't even shake their hands or kiss them after a few dates. Insofar as you may take such conduct to be incompatible with your religious beliefs, step back and ask yourself this: which is more important to the survival of the Jewish people - that its untouched spinsters remain pristine, or that these women be set to the task of producing more Jewish babies? I think what you need to do is place the basic need of the Jewish people for more Jewish babies ahead of whatever other curious customs and religious practices you may have. Besides, you may well find that you enjoy it.

Finally, don't get suckered into waiting for miracles. I know of 6,000,000 people arguably more deserving than you who waited for a miracle who didn't get one. Better to take matters into your own hands and use your God-given brain and body to make a few changes for the better, than to wait for divine intervention to set things right. So to start things right, stop eating sweets and find a gym to join.

4/10/2005 04:54:00 PM  
Anonymous tell me what you want, what you really really want said...

My question to you, is what should people say to you? IYH by you? "in the right time" what do you want from the married people? WHat is it that you want? don't you want to get married? Isn't that what it is all about? TO get married so you can be touched? Or is it just the touching you want? But you need to be married in order to have that? WHat is wrong with wishing you well?
I am not sure what it is ithat you really want....

4/10/2005 05:46:00 PM  
Blogger Daphna said...

On the one hand, I share your frustration with the "soon by you" category of answers, and I agree that they are more designed to make the speaker feel better (look! they are doing a MITZVAH! They are sayng something nice to a sad person! What a ba'al hesed) than to actually help you and your situation. People say this stuff to me all the time and it drives me bonkers. You want to help me? Set me up! Do something useful! And until you do, no mitzvah credits for you. As my father likes to say, action talks, bull**** walks--and empty air definitely fals into the latter category.

On the other hand, we really cannot do anything practical for you. We do no know you, do not know where you live etc. There are not too many options aside from the pithy encouragements.

As to how to find meaning without a husband? The problem is that this really depends on you. You can take more chances. Maybe you would find meaning by saying: screw it, I do not have a husband or kids or a mortgage--I am going to quit my job and become an artist because I have always wanted to do that. Maybe you will move to an area with a smaller single population but hey, you have always wanted to live there and you are sick of building your life around dating (every so often I think of moving to the Galil). Maybe you enjoy travelling. Maybe working for a non-profit where you help others would be fulfilling for you. Perhaps you would like a more high powered career. Another person suggested having a child solo--that is certainly becoming more common in my part of the world. I know women who have done each of these things, and some who have done more than one (my favorite quit her high paid professional job, travelled around the world, and then came back and started a new career in a completely different field). Each woman made the best choice for her. I am trying to make that decision myself right now...it is not easy.

The reason no one can help you with that question is because the only one who can answer that question is you. Nothing is going to take the place of a husband. What might come close? Just start to sit down and tell yourself "yes, I may not get married". And if so, then what? You have a life, you have to live it. It is a terrible situation, but if that is the situation you have, well, what do you want to do with it? Do you want to spend it like you are now? If not, you need to decide to move on.

Obviously, this is not meant to tell you to give up hope. I know women in their mid-30's who still have faith that their prince will come and in all sincerity, I admire them greatly. I wish I had that faith. If you are one of them, kol ha'kavod. However,as for finding meaning, unfortunatly part of that process may well include accepting that you may not get married and then saying, "Okay, so now what".

4/10/2005 06:35:00 PM  
Blogger Shadchun said...

cloojew

"I did, however, speak to one person who is a pretty well renowned marriage counselor and he told me he is working on a global shidduchim project. I have offered to help him. I think it could be something unique, combining the best qualities of jdate with traditional shadchanus. We shall see."

i am doing the same and hope to have it online for shadchunim before pesach, G"W.

could u email me about your guy?
maybe we can combine resources, etc, ?

4/10/2005 06:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Deeni said...

The thing that has bothered me most is watching little girls at weddings/playing weddings because they are being told that one day they will be a kallah and a mommy. It is teaching children to buy into the disney version of the fairy tale in which everything does end happily ever after. I don't know what the alternative is but it cannot be healthy (and I know it wasn't for me) to believe that one day I would be a bride and play dress up as a bride.

4/10/2005 08:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Still I wish that someone could offer some advice of what I could do if I never get married that will actually make me feel fulfilled."

As a last resort, one must be be'simcha and accept Hashem's will with a happy heart and believe that G-d knows what is right for everyone. It is a lifetime avoda and it might not work right away to remove the depression, but it is the only thing that will definitely work. (Besides meds.- I'm trying it myself and it seems to be working). A person's good deeds and mitzvos will be their "children" in this world and in the next. (The Chafetz Chaim mentions to keep Shabbos in his sefer Shem Olam.)If I was able to do anything on your behalf I would. Hashem is Mezaveg Zevugim, but he doesn't promise one for everybody.

4/10/2005 09:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Eeshaish said...

Some theological points you raised here have to do w/ can you be happy if the solution you seek does not present itself. This in itself is a noble question. It is not presupposing that you would ever leave frumkeit. In that respect, the same could be asked of the childless couple, only difference is they have each other.
Some people leaving frumkeit over something terrible that has happened to them. I am aquainted w/ a successful opthamologist, who lost his young son, and since then refuses to have anything substantive to do w/ Judaism. He was a former Shomer Shabbos. His marriage ended in divoce and last I saw him, he was bespoken w/ an attractive Latina.
Personally I am eager to hear of your next date. Of what is happening, if you are attending events where you might meet someone, and all that.
This would bring alot of joy to many people rooting for you.
Just wondering, will you continue to blog after you get married, many would be interested in hearing some of the gory physical details...

4/10/2005 09:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Shulamit said...

I have three little girls and my heart breaks whenever they say anything about being a kallah or a mommy one day, because I wish I could promise them that, but I know I can't. One thing's for sure - thanks to you, I'm going to start trying much harder to set people up and do what I can for them. If for no other reason, then to try to cure our singles problem, for the sake of my daughters.

You have so many people rooting for you... I hope everything works out in a way that will bring you peace and fulfilment.

4/10/2005 10:54:00 PM  
Anonymous carnal plight said...

Dearest NJG,

You WILL find him, IY"H!!! Behashgacha Protis, someone recently told me of a couple who met in their early forties, and they now have 3 kids!!! There is ALWAYS hope!! ALWAYS!! Particularly for those who DO want to find their life-mate; like you, me and countless others. (As an aside, my dad married when he was 50. Hmmm! Do I sense a trend here?)

b,h,&e and 'commenter' on getting fit are very on the mark! The idea is to feel attractive to yourself -- self-talk, "I am so cute." (BTW, a few extra lbs is actually nice, and you can always lose them, if you like, even after marriage.) Exercise will make you feel better. Positive visualization and self-talk have an uncanny way of coming true, MATERIALIZING. Think of all the successes you've had and you'll find this true. You are a very young woman, energetic, brilliant, spiritual, lovely and prime marriage material. Hashem loves you. We all love you. And G-d willing, you will have a very loving Tzadik for a husband. I quote from a book of mine "By PERSISTENTLY imagining what you really want, you can discard the old script and introduce a completely new story."

Another thing, regarding Taharas Hamishpacha and the harchakos. I recall when first hearing about it, as a teen, and saying "no way man!" "Are you kidding?" But now, it's patently clear that these laws are for our good. We know that constant pleasure loses its attraction. It becomes blase. Here, Hashem has given us the opportunity to remarry our spouse every month for a lifetime, with all the accruing benefits of a constantly recurring "first-time" experience. I ask you, is that not special. And is not the wonderful gift of a husband that Hashem will give you worth this "sacrifice"?

Perhaps He is waiting to see your determined decision to abide by these laws, and then "presto" your life-companion will appear. We do know He can read minds. There's a great book called 'The Mystery of Marriage' *How to Find True Love and Happiness in Married Life* by Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh. Highly recommend it.

And finally NJG. Please do continue to write. You have touched and connected so many people. You are a source of much nachas to us all, and I'm sure Hashem is shepping some too from all the positive vibes happening here. Keep strong sister!!!

And to quote CJ and B,H,&E "lulei demistafina, chazak and find him you WILL!!!"

4/10/2005 11:03:00 PM  
Blogger AARON said...

I appreciated and enjoyed your words. Its so wonderful to be able to hear another humnan being express thoughts that are so close to my heart. Sexuality and loneliness are coupled together for me as well. The hope for closeness or the despairing of enjoying it, is always foremost on my mind. One of my fears is that my wife will not relate to my desire and loneliness. Perhaps it is childish of me, but its nice to be reassured that women do indeed have these feelings. Thank You :'-)

Perhaps, when people say "I am sure that you will get married," they have in mind the idea of: Tzaddik Gozeir Vihashem Mikayem. Seeing as how we (hopefully) take our word very seriously and try hard to speak only the truth, Hashem may decide to not blemish our credibility and fulfill it in this case as well. It is as if we are throwing our words up in the air and hoping Hashem will catch them. We say to you, you will get married! putting our merits on the line expecting our words to retroactively be confirmed. Failing that we hope you will take comfort in our sharing of your incomprehension of the current state of affairs and our expectation that the Hashem has no choice but to change the reality. And we share that feeling with you at every moment (as does, I believe, Hashem)

Let me publish this before I feel any more vulnerable and lose my nerve.

4/11/2005 12:05:00 AM  
Blogger tuesdaywishes said...

My wish for you is that you may find happiness and peace of mind.

(Psst...big secret...some married people don't have those either.)

4/11/2005 12:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"First are the people who write “I hope you get married soon.” This is very well meaning but I want to point out that if that is all you have to say then you are confirming that like me you can not think of any way for me to be happy other than to get married."

I find this a little frustrating to read. In this blog, you've written that you don't think the real issue for you is that you haven't been kissed, but that you don't "have anyone to kiss." You write that you don't want intimacy outside the context of a meaningful relationship, preferably not till marriage. And that you are desperately unhappy without all that.

Of course people are going to wish that you meet someone you can marry!

I can easily imagine a totally different blog, in which a 34 year old woman wrote that she is sick and tired of people always wishing "soon by you." She blogs to tell the world that she has a full life even without marriage, and she is tired of people implying otherwise. If people would still comment "I hope you marry soon" then they'd be denying her experience.

But you've devoted a whole blog to the proposition that you won't be happy without an intimate relationship, if not without marriage. Is it our place to argue with you? To tell you that you're wrong...that you should start having sex without being in a relationship...that you should deny your feelings...what?

What would happen if someone would write in "Even though you feel unhappy, I the commenter think that if you change your mindset, you'll realize that you are much happier being single than you think you are! You don't need to get married! You don't even need sex (or you do need sex, but you can have it without intimacy and that will make you happy)" Would you really appreciate such advice, unsolicited?

This feels like a catch-22 on the receiving end.

We are only mirroring your hopes. It is not that people think you can't be fulfilled unless married ...it is that YOU feel so, and we are wishing that you have the life you say want. It doesn't necessarily reflect our own beliefs at all.

Advice: I think that it's all in how you view things. If you'd like life to be fulfilling without marriage, I think it can be, provided that *you* view your life as fulfilling even if you don't marry. For some people, this may be very difficult. I think a lot depends on what aspect of marriage you most miss. Is it having someone who knows and understands you? Is it having someone who shares life goals? Is it the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of husbnad and children? This last - making a difference to others - is easier to substitute for than the former. But I think the key is how *you* view it.

A question back to you. What should married people wish singles who complain of how unhappy they are? I try actually, not to wish my single friends that they marry soon, mostly because I think it may imply that I thnk their lives lack value until they are married. But for every person who is happy with that, and feels valued for where they are in their lives *now*, the fact is that if no one wished them that they marry soon, I think they'd be unhappy! They'd say "Everyone has given up on me!"
f you can advise us what to say and how to act, that would help, but at the moment, I am very frustrated with what seems like a catch 22 from even the most understanding singles such as yourself.

4/11/2005 01:25:00 AM  
Anonymous Elliott C said...

Dear SN,
I have given a great deal of thought to what you have written recently. Many people have shared some of thoughts that I will express so excuse the repition.

You write that you crave both the intimacy of an emotional and sexual relationship. Most of us can not fathom the pain and frustration that you are going through. However, I believe that we are deal our own unique challenges in life and we must find a way to overcome them. It is certainly no comfort to know that this is your challenge that you have been dealing with for many many years. All of us have challenges that to ourselves seem impossible to overcome.

I am writing this on the second day of Nissan, the month in which we celebrate our freedom both as individuals and as a nation. Rabbi Gideon Weizman astutely points out that freedom really happens when you do what you want to do and not what others want you to do. A slave is beholden to the will of someone that tells them what to do. There is much to be said about this.

While you say that you crave and want this intimacy, I am not convinced that what your deeper issue is that you fear rejection. Based on what you have written it certainly appears that you have had to face rejection and this is a horrible feeling. You seem eager to fit into a mold. However, what people are telling you here is that you need to break out "of the box" and do something different. I am not convinced that you have done everything possible. Yes, that is easy for me to say since I am not in your situation. However, it sounds like you have a job, I don't. I've been without a job for almost 8 months. I can't tell you how difficult it is to deal with the rejection of not having one. However, I must press on and do whatever it takes to find one. Believe me there are people out there who think that I'm not doing enough.
Each one of us craves intimacy we want to be loved, but we hate to be rejected. That it is the challenge of being a human being though, we are at a higher level than an animal and developing relationships is much more difficult. So, again I ask do you really believe in your heart that you have done everything possible to find someone? Maybe, as I have suggested before, at 34, you have to ask out guys, maybe you have to go to the grocery store, or a baseball game. I have no idea where the guys are where you live, but you say that you have not been out in a year? Why?! And you know what? So what, if I guy finds out that you're a very sexual person? If I was dating a 34 year old I would certainly hope that you would be. Being an Orthodox Jew does not totally limit you. Halachic Judaism is not a small box, you need to expand it while keeping true to your core. Stop isolating yourself and get back out there.
It sounds like you are a truly wonderful person. Free yourself. Do what some of these people have suggested and maybe while taking care of someone else or when you least expect it then you will find your true love. However, you must be comfortable with who you are and face the fact that you might be rejected because of your physical issues and that's ok you don't want that type of guy who will look at you only for physical reasons.

Good Luck and may this Pesach you experience true freedom.

4/11/2005 01:39:00 AM  
Anonymous x said...

A few comments -

'Tzoras rabbim chatzi nechama' - to know that your difficulty is shared with many is a half consolation. When you think you are totally alone in your plight it can be very difficult. The gemara says that if you have a worry in your heart you should speak it out to others. Speaking it out and sharing it cuts it down to size. If you just let all your fears fester alone in the dark, they can appear as monsters in the dark - like a child's nightmare. When you share them, you shed a light on them and your imagination cannot run wild with them as much. I think you have been fulfilling that with this blog.

Have you ever read any of the books of R. Shmuley Boteach ? What about the book 'Finding Your Spouse in 30 Days' by Rabbi Feinhandler ?

4/11/2005 02:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Eeshaish said...

We do not approve of 'Rabbi' Shmueli Boteach. Besides being a huge embarrassment, he is a right wing wacko. Even his early books, before he was a celebrity, are a bunch of mish mash.
There are much better books to read. Actually I would reccomend getting hold of Brian Tracy's tapes about setting goals, avoiding procrastination. It has helped me alot in my career. I was at a point where I had to manage many people and I had never done this. His tapes were mamash a G-d send for me. They are applicable to other life situations. Here ya go:
http://www.briantracy.com/

4/11/2005 10:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Nice Jewish Girl said...

Eesh Aish . . . . How many times do I have to tell you to stop pretending to represent Aish Hatorah? Either come out with your real name, a name on Aish's letterhead, or stop it with the "we think this" and "we do that" shtick. I am seriously working on reporting all your posts to Aish Hatorah to find out whether they know who you are and actually approve of your comments. Either give a name or stop pretending to speak for a whole organization.

4/11/2005 11:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Eeshaish said...

I am referring to my group of friends in my community. I am simply using the royal we, to refer to the group of people who find this 'rabbi' Shmueli extremely distasteful.

I like the name aish. For me, it represents that I am an emotional person, that I am for example, moved to tears but most of your posts.

I have nothing to do w/ this org. that you mentioned, but I like the name and have it as a screen name that is all.
My nickname has nothing to do w/ that group and my blog that I have sometimes posted also has nothing to do w/ them.

4/11/2005 11:53:00 AM  
Anonymous ClooJew said...

b,h,&e said...
"Luley DiMastafina, there are other things on this blog which I would personally not recommend keeping up for various reasons, vihamayvin yavin."

Um, no clue as to what you are talking about. Could you be more specific? Seriously.

4/12/2005 05:57:00 PM  
Anonymous b,h,&e said...

"...vihamayvin yavin."

4/13/2005 01:53:00 PM  
Anonymous ClooJew said...

Yeah, I read that the first time.

Still no clue....

4/13/2005 06:33:00 PM  
Blogger Shira said...

Umm... side-stepping all the eesh aish and other stuff...

You asked what else could make you feel fulfilled until hopefully you find your bashert. This is just a suggestion but you seem to have a lot of talent as a writer and I'm guessing in other areas as well - maybe music, art, social work or being with kids. Whatever motivates you to be creative and help others.

When I was single and lonely I used to spend hours drawing and writing, and often it felt worthwhile when almost nothing else did. Plus it got a lot of tensions and stress out of my head and onto the page. So my suggestion is just find a project that you've been meaning to work on or a skill that you already have and would like to improve on. Then even when you don't have someone to love, at least you can love this aspect of yourself, and use it to inspire others. (It also works great for meeting people, hobbies and such are a great way to connect)

Hope this helps and that you succeed at whatever you put your mind to. It seems to me you are already making great progress thru this blog.

4/14/2005 12:41:00 AM  
Anonymous eshaish said...

She will be engaged by Shavuous. Mark my words. She should go public. I have ideas that would offer her anonymity. She has my email addy and I am waiting to help.

4/14/2005 09:42:00 AM  
Blogger The Rabbi's Kid said...

cj,

I think b,h&e doesn't like the more prurient aspects of singles and sexuality. Ostrich imitation is not flattering though.

TRK

4/14/2005 12:01:00 PM  
Anonymous ClooJew said...

trk,

I still have absolutely no clue what he is referring to.

But don't worry. I'm moving on.

4/14/2005 07:02:00 PM  
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