Sunday, March 18, 2012

Still a Virgin

If you are one of the people who thinks I whine to much you will not like this post so do not read it.

After my last post I was strong for a while. It helped very much that I had made my decisions about what I want to do. The decision to have sex if an appropriate chance falls in my path helped because at least I know who I am and what my choices would be. I do not any more have the weight of confusion on me. If a man comes along who could be my husband I will go down that path to it's fullest. And if a man comes along who could be a good sexual partner for me I will go down that path without being confused about what I want to do. I have decided and that feels right.

It does not feel good to realize now many months later that perhaps neither of those opportunities will ever come into my life. I may never have a chance to make the choice.

I am ready for a "friends with benefits" situation but do not know how to arrange or ask for such a thing. The men who are my friends are too religious for me to ask this of them and besides if they were attracted to me I assume they would have wanted to date me. I do not want to hear from another man I respect and like that he is not attracted to me.

The men who are not my friends but might be open to a sexual relationship that is non-religious men ( I have met some from internet dating) freak out when they find out I have never had sex. They do not want the responsibility of being my "first" or they assume I must have strange sexual issues they do not want to be involved with, which might be true but I do not have a way to find out.

Some readers warned this might be the case, they warned that men in their 40's who are not religious, by the time they reach their 40's they do not necessarily want just sex anymore they want a real relationship, and the idea of a relationship with me feels too intense for them especially since religion is still very important to me.

I do not have the social or sexual tools to solve this problem. Like I said before I do not want to have sex with someone I will never see again or someone I have to pay. I do accept that if I do not meet someone within those limits I will just have to be a virgin when I die. I would rather be a virgin than do something outside the limits I know would make me happier. But it is hard to accept that I do not know how to find someone within those limits. I feel like a baby flailing around with no idea how to do things that come naturally to everyone else.

Also, I have not found someone to date (as in a real relationship that involves love and maybe later marriage) either. It is not easy to be an Orthodox woman in her 40s and it is even more difficult if you are not slender enough. I am offered to be set up perhaps twice or three times a year and usually the matchmakers start with an apology that they know the man does not meet even my few basic criteria. I usually agree to meet the man anyway or at least speak on the phone because I want to be open minded and I do not have many choices but like I have said before I do not want to get married just for the sake of being married, I want to get married because I love the person and he loves me, and. . . well I am trying to be open minded but it is very very difficult.

I am realizing that there is a very very real chance that I might never know in this lifetime what it feels like to be fully in love and that I might never know in this lifetime what it feels like to be in a full physical relationship with another human being. No matter how much I want it there are some things I might never know and never experience. I feel ugly and unwanted and I cry myself to sleep often even though most people who know me during the day would never know that.

I remember my parents telling me that life is not fair. Only in the last few months I realized more and more what that means. There is no response to it. There is no answer. Simply, life is not fair.

Update a few days later . . . . I have gotten some very nice emails from readers about this post. Each one nicer than the next. Thank you. The email made me realize the question I have. Exactly what should I say? If you are an otherwise Orthodox man who maybe is also a virgin or maybe has had one or two partners but in any case is very private about these things . . . or if you used to be Orthodox and now are not . . . or if you were never Orthodox but you are meeting an Orthodox woman you met through a dating website . . . what should someone like me (a woman you know from the community or maybe a pretty close friend . . . or someone you have met once or twice because you were set up or met online) say to bring up the subject of sex and see whether you might be open to helping each other be less lonely and sexually frustrated? How can I bring it up and still have my dignity if the man is not interested either because he is not attracted to me or because he is too religious to say yes? What if he is someone I have to see in the neighborhood whether he says yes or no, so I would feel awkward if he says no? People are telling me to be calm and natural but I have no idea what words to use in different circumstances. You can leave a comment here or send an email to but I hope you will leave a comment so that other people in the same position as me can see it too.