Monday, May 30, 2011

Frequently Asked Questions

(I wrote this many weeks ago but for various reasons did not post it right away).

In the few days after I posted the last post I got about 1,000 visitors a day. I want to thank reddit.com and metafilter.com for sending so many people to my blog. It is nice to get attention. Also the people who came here from jacajacjac.tumblr.com.

I also got some traffic from other Jewish blogs: dovbear.blogspot.com, metroimma.com, modernorthoprax.blogspot.com and frumsatire.net.

The truth is that the Orthodox community is the audience I really hope to reach with this blog. When people come here from metafilter or reddit and tell me how terrible religion is or that I should "just have sex and get it over with already" I appreciate the visit and the concern but that is not the people I hope are listening. It is interesting that once the Jewish blogs started sending me traffic the nature and tone of the comments here started to change.

The people I am trying to reach are Orthodox people who might be teaching their students or children or youth group members about being shomer negiah. I want them to know and understand the possible consequences and keep them in mind when they speak or teach. The people I am trying to reach are people who are like what I used to be, young shomer negiah people who think that older singles who stop being shomer negiah are not really religious enough or not committed enough. I want them to know and understand how much harder it is as time goes by and how much I regret being as judgemental as I used to be.

Anyway it was interesting to me to read the hundreds of comments left here and at other blogs and the emails people sent me. Also it was very strange to be the person people are talking about, reading about myself as other people made comments about me. Very strange! Anyhow here are some responses to comments that came up here and there.

You have serious psychological issues.

Of course I have serious issues: in addition to having issues like anyone else (including married people) I have the additional issues that come with being celibate my entire life. But I do not think that the most serious of my issues are what prevented me from finding a husband. I think the fact that I did not find a husband, and have had no sexual release whatsoever with another human being, is what over time caused my more serious issues.

Anyway I know many many wonderful single women whose issues are no worse than those of married people. There is a known problem in the Orthodox community that many fine women have a hard time finding a husband. Yes I have issues but I do not think my issues are so awful that you can blame my singleness on them.

You've never had a relationship past two dates? You have issues.

You misunderstood my post and have not read this whole blog. I have not had a second date in the last few years but yes I have had boyfriends in the past. (Those relationships were shomer negiah).

Do you have an active social life?

I have friends I spend time with and I often go out and do new things where I meet new people.

Do you live in New York?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether to answer this. I am extremely protective of my identity and want to remain anonymous but of course saying that I am from New York or Baltimore or Jerusalem could still mean that I am any one of thousands of people.

The real reason I do not want to answer this is that from the emails I receive it is obvious that there are many many Orthodox people in exactly my situation. So in some ways I actually like it that I could be anybody because really I could be anybody! If you think about the Orthodox women you know who are single and older I could be any of them. I am not an isolated case. I like that people are worried about their neighbors who might be sad. We should be worried about each other. Not poking into other people's business but thinking and caring. So if not answering this question leaves it in your mind that maybe I am after all your friend in Toronto or Monsey or Passaic or Brooklyn then I think that is a good thing.

I am not answering it just to satisfy the people who want to set me up. I do not and will not date anyone who knows I am the writer of this blog, nor will I tell anyone who I am besides the three friends who already know and who I trust. If you are upset that I am giving up chances to be set up then please pass along the favor and set up (with thought and care) any of the single Orthodox women you already know. Like I said it might be me. If not I will be happy to think that other people are getting set up on good dates because of my blog.

Just have sex already.

The people who are telling me to "just" have sex are people coming from a completely different culture from mine. Like I said I appreciate your viewpoints but you do not understand where I am coming from.

Just hire someone and get it over with.

I have written that it is important to me not to feel cheap. One difficult thing about my situation is that I feel unattractive and undesired. I can think of few things that would make me feel worse than feeling that once I decide to have sex I need to pay someone to do it because no one I like would do it for free. That is depressing.

This comment implies also that virginity is a burden to be cast off, a chore to do as soon as possible rather than procrastinate. If that works for you than great but personally if I am going to have a sex life I would like to put some thought and care into what actually I am comfortable with and what kind of experience I would feel good and safe about.

Having sex with a "friend with benefits" would not solve your problem of being lonely and wanting a loving long-term relationship.

That is true. I have thought about this a lot and understand that even if I am in a sexual relationship with someone I like and respect, if I do not love him then there will still be a certain loneliness. But I no longer feel I can count on finding someone to love so I am consciously making a decision that I would rather live at least without the sexual deprivation. I would rather be lonely and sexually active than lonely and sexually deprived.

Also having a friend with benefits or any other type of no-love-involved sexual relationship does not mean I can never fall in love in the future.

You are obviously very picky, wanting "a like-minded man (who was also socially normal, intelligent and somewhat decent-looking, at least to me." How many men have you rejected? If you just give up the idea of finding someone out of your league, you can get married.

This is very frustrating to me because I am one of the least picky people! I did not say I want to marry a man who is a famous model and has a Ph.D. in astrophysics and is a standup comedian and exactly shares my culture and religious views in every way. I want someone who is decent-looking to me, in my eyes. There are many kinds of men who are attractive to me. There are men who other women find very unattractive who I think are sort of cute. I would like to be with someone who has basic conversational skills and is not a bum. Yes I have rejected men because they were downright rude or bizarre or very seriously mentally ill and not managing it well. I have rejected men because they have been married three times and I do not want to be wife number four. I have rejected men because we literally did not have any languages in common, or he smelled bad or because he spoke in a bigoted manner about gays, black people and successful women.

I do not want to get married just for the sake of saying I am married and I certainly do not want to spend my life sharing a home and a bed with someone who is missing some common decency. No matter what issues I have I still deserve to be happy and like I said I do not need Mr. Out Of My League to be happy.

The fact that you are nervous about "sleazy" or "oily" men just goes to show that you have a lot of problems.

As the authoress of a blog about sexual frustration I get many emails from men who proposition me – a stranger on the internet. From the language and tone of many of the emails it is clear to me that I must be careful not to give the impression in my real-life dating of being a virgin who is just dying to have sex. There are many men who would like to take advantage of that situation for their own titillation. It is one thing to be honest about my past and my issues and my current wishes with a respectful and respectable person. It is another thing to open myself up to the possibility of being taken advantage of by unsavory people who are more excited about the idea of deflowering an Orthodox virgin than they are about actually being in my company. I do not at all think all men are sleazy but from the emails I get it is obvious that I must be careful.

Please do not sully your neshama. After you have been pure for so long, how could you give it all up now for just a few moments of pleasure?

This is the flip side of "just get it over with already." You are assuming that my virginity is a commodity and you certainly have not read this whole blog.

About my neshama, I have written here before that I feel deeply that my neshama is already scarred. After a certain point the loneliness and sexual frustration and sense of betrayal and disappointment and anger led to a point of no return. I can never again be the young naïve person who believes that keeping mitzvos, particularly avoiding premarital sex somehow protects me from tarnishing myself. Actually I feel that I am missing an important part of life and am inclined to believe truly that Hashem as a loving and compassionate God will understand that I did what I could for as long as I could and have reached the breaking point. You cannot blame a child who is just learning to add for failing a calculus test and Hashem simply cannot blame me for not wanting to be celibate any more at the age of 40. If this is a test then it is simply too difficult and sooner or later I was bound to fail. My understanding from many comments here is that I held out much much longer than almost anybody could ever expect. More importantly, I held out as long as I personally could (and could not). I have reached my potential and passed it. I am finished.

I think that the people who leave comments asking me to remain pure (oh I really do not like that word) are either young or married or both. You cannot imagine what I have gone through. Or if you do then you are a stronger or more faithful person than I am and I admire that but I am not you and you are not me.

As for giving up my purity for a few moments of pleasure, you do not understand that my hope is to find someone with whom after some practice I will have many many many moments of pleasure. And if he leaves my life eventually then I will find someone else nice and have more and more pleasure and on and on. That is my intention right now. (Also I hope that along the way I will find someone to love and marry. But like I said at the age of 40 I no longer assume or expect that to happen.)

You should daven more. If you daven with all your heart, Hashem will listen to your cries.

I think most people suggesting this are young or married or both.

Do you think that I have not cried my heart out in shule, at home, at the Kosel? For over 20 years? If Hashem has been listening then He has been answering "no" and like I said I am finished. If I cannot get what I need with God's blessing then I will just have to get it anyway or I will end up in a mental institution or dead or just desperately unhappy for the rest of my life and that is not acceptable to me.

This is what I think is interesting about the people who think that I am single because I have issues or because I need to pray more, and the people who think that I would not be planning to have sex if I had been taught Judaism better or had more faith in Hashem. It seems to me that you are trying to find reasons to explain why a person who is nice and sincerely religious could end up where I am now. I think people like to tell themselves "this could never happen to me because I do not have such personal issues like her" or "this could never happen to my daughter because she is beautiful and NJG sounds unattractive" or "I for sure will get married because I am davening for it with all my heart" or "even if I never marry I will never have sex because I am a good Jew and I can be stronger than NJG." (If you can, again good for you)

The point of this blog, what I want teachers and parents to know, and young singles who are maybe making career choices or other decisions with the assumption that they will get married soon is that we do not always get what we want. Do not you tell your children that "life is not fair"? Well it is not fair and we have to live with that. No matter how hard you daven for something there is no guarantee you will get it. No matter how much you believe in Torah there is no guarantee that you will always feel happy and belonging and healthy living a Torah life. And there are some people, few, who have the fortitude to keep living that way (the people who are gay and stay celibate come to my mind) but also there are strong people, good people, people of faith who eventually just cannot do it anymore. Those people need neither praise nor pity but just understanding and acceptance as people and as Jews who are doing their best.

You should talk to a different rabbi, someone who will really inspire you and show you a way to think about your problem differently. Someone who will give you the strength to keep going without having sex.

Without going into details, I know many many inspiring rabbis from across the Orthodox spectrum and many communities and I have read all the Feldheim books and such and I am sorry but after a certain point there is little inspiration that can make up for falling asleep alone every single night year after year.

If you want to recommend a rabbi or female teacher who has always been single and is 40 or older and has found a way to be really really happy with that then have them email me (I mean that sincerely) but it has become so empty to me for a rabbi who has been married for 30 years to tell me how beautiful my suffering is to God. What used to have meaning to me now sounds condescending.

We were not given mitzvos to feel good. We were given mitzvos to serve Hashem, no matter what.

I accept that which is why I never had sex as a teenager even though I was a healthy normal teenager . . . or in my twenties . . . or in my 30s . . . and like I said if someone can remain celibate but happy enough to function then I admire that. But also like I have said here most people can NOT live without sex. It is just as important as food and water and air. I am not talking about avoiding a tasty nonkosher food or watching TV on Shabbat or even my parnassa. I am talking about a basic need. I cannot serve Hashem if I am so depressed that I cannot get out of bed or if I spend literally all day wanting to cry.

I am davening for you every day to find your bashert.

Thank you! I appreciate that very much.

If you are going to have sex, do not set your expectations too high. It is not always great, especially at first, and you might get emotionally hurt sometimes. But that is part of life and the price you pay to have great sex with great people.

Thank you. I knew that but it is good to be reminded. I will keep it in mind.

If you have sex you will regret it; women cannot help but become emotionally involved.

This assumes all women are alike but I will go with it and acknowledge that as someone who always put importance on sex and wanted to save it for marriage this could certainly become a problem for me. I might have a sexual relationship with someone and then feel devastated when it ends. I also expect that I will feel disappointment to be doing this with someone I do not love and probably some shame at having had premarital sex because after all I have been taught a certain way all my life.

I have thought about this a lot. Over all if you do the math I do not think that in this worst-case scenario I would be less happy than I have been. Sometimes to win rewards you have to take risks. I understand there will be times I will feel sad but since I am often already sad right now I think I have little to lose and a lot to gain.

You should have a baby with artificial insemination or adopt one. That will make you happy.

Yes I would like to have children but even in the best of circumstances getting pregnant at 40 or going through the adoption process and then spending years raising a child is a long and exhausting not to mention expensive process.

This is not the best of circumstances. I would be raising a baby by myself, on one income, with not much support from my busy and far flung family and friends. I have respect and admiration for women who do this and support the idea of Orthodox women having babies on their own but I do not think that becoming a single mother on purpose would make me happy, I think it would make me exhausted and in debt.

You should have a baby. That will take your mind off sex.

I have never heard such a crazy reason for having a baby.

You should adopt a child or do more chessed. In the merit of your actions, maybe you will get married.

Another ridiculous reason to become a single mother! Yes if I adopt a child it would be a beautiful thing and a wonderful way to make the world a little better. It would also like I say be expensive and stressful and (more important for your point) isolate me from the single's scene. I am not going to improve my social life if I have to get a babysitter to go on a date or to a single's event. I think I would be a good mother but under these circumstances it would be irresponsible.

For other older singles considering adopting or conceiving a baby I want to say that if you have the emotional and financial ability and a good support system and it is something you really want to do I support that.

As for doing more chessed how do you know that I am not already spending much of my time doing chessed for different communities? It is like praying, I have done that. I have enjoyed doing nice things for the community and for individuals but it is not a magical charm that leads to marriage.

Unattractive people find partners. You must have other issues, or you just need some self-confidence.

Perhaps. Having self-confidence is hard when so much is stacked against you or you have just been so unlucky in love. And like I said earlier I know I have issues, everyone does, and I am always trying to work on them.

I want to say here that I do not come across in real life (I think) as a pity case. I do not walk around with my head hanging down. People who meet me, especially at work, probably think I am very self-confident. Some of the most depressed people come across as the most undepressed in real life. But I appreciate your point.

You are probably fugly or really, really fat. That is why you are having so much trouble, so I do not understand why people feel sorry for you.

This may goes under the category of "people looking for reasons that my situation will not happen to them." It is usually said dismissively as in "what are you all worked up about? She's probably really gross looking."

Let us assume for a moment that I am in fact "fugly" or "really really fat." Do you really mean to suggest that people who are ugly or very fat do not deserve to be happy? That there is no reason for us to expect a healthy, loving relationship?

It is especially depressing to see this comment on Orthodox sites without anyone arguing against it. The hypocrisy is so painful to me, to see what the values in our community really are when people can hide in the internet.

You should lose weight. Just go to the gym.

Been there done that. Anyone who puts "just" and "lose weight" into the same sentence has never I think tried to lose a significant amount of weight. However I do appreciate the point that making effort to be healthy is important and will help me be more attractive to some extent.

You should try masturbating.

I do. I have written about it in my blog. I imagine that having sex with another human being is on a different level.

Religion is just awful/ not true/destructive/a lie

I disagree. Religion has been a meaningful and enriching part of my life for almost all of my life.

Like I said I do not expect people who are not religious to understand nor are they the intended audience for this blog even though I appreciate your coming here and sharing your words.

Your blog is so honest/nuanced/well-written/interesting/ thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Thank you!

Not having sex has ruined your life / I feel so bad for you, your life is wasted.

Remember that this blog focuses on only one part of my life. Yes there are things in my life that are hard. Being depressed is awful. But my life is not over and it certainly is not a waste just because I have never had sex. Here on this blog I am voicing one particular and awful aspect of my life but like I said I do not consider myself a pity case except maybe in this one area.

I am sick of your whining. Get a life.

Like I have said I do not walk around whining about being celibate in my real life. This blog is the only really open forum I have for whining. If it bothers you then you do not have to read it!

You made your choices. Take responsibility for them. You are not a victim.

That is true. As I have said being shomer negiah was meaningful and enriching for me for a long time. I chose to be Orthodox and I chose to be shomer negiah and I chose to assume certain things about how my life would be. The only thing I truly truly regret is that I did not take more practical action 6 years ago around the time I started this blog. It has taken me 6 years to go from saying "I cannot take this any more" to saying "I am going to do something about it." Six years is too long to be pondering without making a practical change.

I think you must be gay.

I assure you I am most certainly not.

I am a dating coach / rabbi / nice person who listens well. If you want to meet, let me know.

You may post your contact information in my comments and perhaps other singles in my situation will contact you, and maybe me.

Can I date you?

That is nice but I will never ever meet a man under circumstances where he knows that I am the writer of this blog. Can you imagine? My date knows that I am a virgin and all about my past relationships and all these heavy things about my depression and sexual frustration and how many vibrators I own . . . and I do not know anything about him? That would be very weird and very much open me to a situation of someone assuming they really know me or someone trying to take advantage of what they think they know about me. It would be too strange.

I would be happy to have sex with you.

I am not interested in accepting offers for sex from strangers on the internet. It is one thing to say join a dating website to meet new people and talk with them about sex when I am ready but another to accept sex from an anonymous person who reads my shomer negiah blog. Also a special "no thank you" to all the men who wrote to me telling me how well endowed they are and how talented they are in bed.

I am unhappily married and would be glad to have sex with you. I have had many affairs and we can keep it really discreet.

No.

Here is a link to a website where single and unhappily-married Orthodox people connect to find sex partners . . .

No.

You should become a pilegesh (concubine). It's a real thing, honest.

No.

Here is my story with sex or religion or both . . .

I have received so many moving and sad and thought-provoking stories. I am so happy that people feel safe emailing me their own stories. But also I am so sad for all the people out there who are so unhappy.

One thing I have learned to appreciate is how much better off I am than the people who are unhappily married. So many people wrote to me saying how horribly lonely it is being married and still feeling alone. Or being married and still never having sex. Oy my thoughts go out to all of you.

You sound like a lovely person. I hope you find what you are looking for. Best of luck to you.

Thank you so much.

Why don't you blog more often?

I blog only when I have something new or meaningful (I think) to say about the topic of this blog. There is no point repeating the same complaints and things over and over again if nothing has changed. Thank you all again for coming here and reading what I have to say. Until next time . . .

36 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only read the first couple of posts (and the two most recent ones), but thanks for having the guts to write what many of us single people are thinking.

I'll admit that I'm too chicken to sign my name here, so sign me,
ChickenHeart

5/30/2011 04:50:00 PM  
Blogger mOOm said...

"That is nice but I will never ever meet a man under circumstances where he knows that I am the writer of this blog. "

I think that might rule out some opportunities to meet people. Of course, you would need to have an extended conversation by e-mail first with anyone in this category where they would tell you about themselves before you get anywhere near meeting them. I think you could consider chatting to them by e-mail and seeing what happens. I was a lonely single guy who didn't have sex till age 34. I was afraid of meeting women who would all be more experienced than me. I grew up Orthodox though I'm not now and this is probably one reason I went in this direction. I am married now after a few serious girlfriends. The first one did not work out to a large extent due to my inexperience... Of course, I knew technically what to do, but that's a big difference to doing it. So think about this. You may be ruling out men who you could potentially eventually have a relationship with.

5/30/2011 08:21:00 PM  
Blogger M. said...

my sister is a virgin in her late twenties. and i have another handful of friends that are as well. by choice. she often tells me her thoughts on the matter. and im pretty sure that she has heard a lot of these things. just as im sure i would hear things and have feelings if i were the only one of my friends whos ever had sex at all.

anyone who ever makes you feel badly about anything in your life....they arent worth any of our time.

you are a positive influence, and im not talking about sexual preference but your attitude and your choices. you dont want to "just get it over with" or make a cheap decision. and i commend that you do extremely well.

and Chicken Heart...i can tell youre wonderful. :]

5/31/2011 03:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So glad to see that list of questions answered! Good luck with your quest.

On the "just lose weight": I really hate that one. When I was in my early 20s, a shadchanit told me that it would make a difference if I would "just" lose just 5 pounds. Sheesh lady, if I knew how to lose 5 pounds I would already do it!

A decade later, I'm 30+ pounds lighter than I was at the time, but it was a process with lots of ups and downs. The female strength training blogs like stumptuous (who I think you might enjoy) are strong female role models and are generally anti-dieting.

5/31/2011 07:06:00 PM  
OpenID yeshivaforum said...

Great idea to write down all the comments!

I love this one:
> Also a special "no thank you" to all the men who wrote to me telling me how well endowed they are and how talented they are in bed. <

It's so nice that some people look for opportunities to do chessed.

6/02/2011 03:28:00 AM  
OpenID yeshivaforum said...

I should say, I'm mid-20's, male, frum, single, and shomer negiah. If it wasn't for the massive amount of porn I go through, I'd probably explode. That's healthy, right?

6/02/2011 03:37:00 AM  
Blogger Boxed Whine said...

I would simply not read the posts on MetaFilter if my tiny bloggityblog got on there. They just don't get it. You should see what those fools said about unconsummated.blogspot.com. Put these folks out of your mind.

Thank you for answering a ton of questions.

6/06/2011 11:53:00 PM  
Blogger frum single female said...

thanks for posting again. as for "should you or shouldn't you" , it is all up to you.when it comes down to it you are already over forty . no one will think any less of you because you may have slept with someone. of course even if someone has sex before marriage and are under forty it is also no one else's business.
i certainly dont pretend to know what the best answer is, but i do know that its none of anyone's business as to what you decide to do unless that person has stood in your shoes. being frum and celibate is an enormous challenge. its not up to anyone to judge anyone, especially those who may have zero idea what you are going through.

6/19/2011 02:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you got my e-mail and read it, at least. :p

6/20/2011 04:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Eli said...

Regarding the argument: "Religion is just awful/ not true/destructive/a lie", you responded: "I disagree. Religion has been a meaningful and enriching part of my life for almost all of my life."

Notice that you haven't replied to the claim that it isn't true, only that you find it enriching.

The thing to be careful about is that often part of the religious brainwashing is that "this way of life is the best life" - I hear so many women in my charedi community (I'm OTD) who are depressed, anxious, overworked, struggling financially, mediocre love and sex life etc say that "Boruch Hashem, things are great", and I think they were brainwashed into believing it. Consider pursueing an enriching life based not on what other have told you, but on your own journey into the world and find enrichment.

6/24/2011 10:24:00 AM  
Anonymous El Jew said...

Shomer Negia, for lack of a better address,

I do feel for you. I came into this site believing that it would be one of the same old preachings about how Shomer Negia is better for you, etc etc. I'm slightly glad this is not the case. It lets me see another point of view. I do happen to believe that it is the correct way of living.

I come from a non-religious family turning religious by mutual agreement.

In Judaism when you marry someone, you say, "From this point on, you are holy to me." Not all that crap about being together through sickness and in health, etc. This person, who is holy to me, I love them, even now. The question is, do I want to "share" myself with anyone other than myself? Do I wish to take away from the one person that I wish to devote my entire (married) life to? To the person whom I intend to start a family with? I don't think so.

Now, people will say how you can love multiple people and how having past relationships won't do anything and how simply touching members of the opposite sex is not a big deal, and a load of other things. Honestly, I feel that's a load of crap. But even then, it's not so much a problem of giving love, as much as saving it for "the one".

I am embarrassed that lately I had a recent relationship which sadly did not last. It devastated me. To me, she was the person I would marry. When I found out that this was not the fact, to have given the love that I had, seemed a betrayal to my future wife.

Since Sophomore year in high school, I have not (knowingly/intentionally) touched a girl, whatsoever. Yes, it is hard. I have two answers to that.
1. Deal with it. You're the one wanting to be Jewish, do, or at least strive to do, all, or nothing. That's how the game goes.
2. If you know something is totally right, how are you not forced to partake in the smaller aspects?

And to Eli's point, yes, I DO know God exists. And yes, I DO know that Judaism is correct.

I was not brought up in such a manner, I am a ba'al tishuva. In fact, I was brought up by both my parents to think that everything the Torah said needed to be questioned, for it was all so stupid-sounding. It is this lesson, everything needs to be questioned that brought me to religion.

I began to think, a thing our dear friends the atheists (at the risk of offending many people, you must excuse me) tend to not do. Many things in my life have led me to that conclusion, and absolute abstract thinking led me to believe in God's existence. Once I believed that God existed, and sifted through the various religions (Judaism not being the first), it was a matter of time that I came across the Torah. Judaism was the only religion whose pieces fit the puzzle, so to speak, and once I realized that, I was forced to put on my keepah. My father, a great thinker whom I respect so very much has come to the same conclusion as me, as has my family. Thankfully we are now Shomer Shabbat, Shomer Kashrut, and trying very hard to be Shomer Everythingelse.

Thank you for the room to voice my opinion,
El Jew --late teens
(Yes, I am paranoid, as are you, about revealing your (mine(?)) identity.

PS: Excuse my slightly horrid English for I am an immigrant.

6/27/2011 07:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Mel Lifshitz said...

Interesting blog. I found your blog while searching for jewish blogs on Google.

7/04/2011 12:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Shomer,
Thank you for being the spokesperson for the few Orthodox girls who are Shomer! I appreciate what you are taking on in writing this blog. I think that you are a huge kiddush Hashem, and I will put you on my tefilla list for those looking for their besherts. Fewer and fewer girls choose to be shomer. Yes, it may be easier and more fun to let people shake your hand, but one could say the same about Shabbat! I am glad to be shomer because I feel closer to Hashem. Wow, do I feel bad for you having to answer all of those qestions from ignorant people! Wishing you all the luck in the world,
Chana

7/05/2011 04:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Nice Jewish Girl,

I just wanted to leave you a word of encouragement. I am sure, your decision not to wait any longer if the opportunity presents itself is right for you. please don't let anybody judge you because no human beeing has the right to do so. it is between you and Hashem.
I am also still single (in my 30s) and very angry and frustrated although I am trying my best not to be because it doesn't make anything better. Please just trust your own good judgement and know that you know best what's right for you!!
Alisa
(practising conservative jew)

7/06/2011 03:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a gentile man, divorced, non-religious, father of two.

I just wanted to say that, as someone about as far-removed from your personal experience as I could be, I found your posts and blogs very moving.

Ironically, my own circumstances may be the mirror-image of yours. You may long for the sexual intimacy and relationship which your strong faith demands be postponed. I as a gentile and a rationalist live, not to be indelicate, fully in the modern secular world in such matters but envy the sense of meaning and community that comes with the Torah worldview and lifestyle which I do respect.

I wish you all the best.

7/11/2011 10:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Chaim said...

I just came across your blog and looked around for 20 min. My heart goes out to you.
There is one point I would like to make. You will only understand this if you believe in schar and onesh, and what it is, and why it was created. Which is why we were created.
A. Did it ever occur to you that the very fact that you have this blog which: 1. Is a chilul hashem, i.e.. You are causing other to look down on Judaism, by your negative view and experience. 2. May have caused others to think the same way as you, thus casing them to maybe sin, become less frum, have questions they may never have had etc.
B. Or maybe the very fact that you are actively looking to sin, and thus be a vehicle for another to sin with you has caused G-D to punish you which is why you are suffering.
C. I noticed that you have already sinned by not being SN a few years ago. Maybe that has added "time" to your pain. Maybe if not for that minutes pleasure you may have avoided years of pain. Maybe you would have been married by now
Nothing is for certain. But one thing is certain far all believers of our religion, and that is: the torah is full of reward and punishment. It is the core of our belief. The torah, chumash nave gemara chazal revolves around this issue. So if you do believe, then start thinking. You never know what your reward for teshuva will be.
Best of luck

7/27/2011 02:22:00 PM  
Anonymous goyishrebbe said...

Hang in there. I know a number of women older than you who are still single and virgins. I also know a number of people who got married for the first time between age 39-44--including my wife and I. She was 43 and I was 44, although neither of us was a virgin or shomer negiyah.

As to waiting for a serious relationship, tht is smartest for a woman, since you need to relax and concentrate to enjoy the experience.

Anyway, I hope you find that right guy soon.

8/07/2011 07:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm shomer negiah too

9/10/2011 11:27:00 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

I'm a devout Christian, but I spent a lot of time reading your blog and I can really, really relate to what you're saying and how you feel. I too thought that if I was a serious Christian who really sincerely loved the Lord that He would bring me a like-minded, normal, fun, decently good looking man. At 28, it's been disillusioning to me that He still hasn't provided that...and it doesn't look like He's going to any time soon.

Anyway, just wanted to comment because my heart resonates so strongly with what you're saying. It may not help to know this, but you're not alone in your feelings.

9/22/2011 03:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

could you elaborate on your reasons for not wanting to meet someone (for dating) that knows you write this blog? is it that you are afraid if the relationship does not work out that you would be unable to stop him from outing you? if so is there a way around that-have you thought of ways around that? is there another reason that you can share?

i think that although many people are in your situation, this blog has made you pretty darn famous and that by refusing to meet someone through this blog, you are removing one of the biggest tools at your disposal to solve your problem (if, indeed it is solve-able).

of course, i understand that revealing yourself has a tremendous cost-you might subject yourself to tremendous ridicule from the right (and/or from the left?) but i wonder whether that cost is not firmly outweighed by the reality in which you find yourself continuing to remain.

the other benefit of "outing" yourself is that you would prove to 100% certainty that you are who you say you are on this blog-though i have read your blog and its so powerful its hard to imagine it is fake. ***note however-you could also do this by contacting the NY Jewish week and having them swear secrecy of your identity (tell them, have them verify) and then say on their website that you are real.

anyway, the choice of course is yours, but i would really like to hear more about this choice of yours. this blog is, i understand, not just about you but about those like you. i understand that-but its ultimately about you-and you must do what is best for you.

9/24/2011 10:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Rude Boy Vibrator said...

I would simply not read the posts on MetaFilter if my tiny bloggityblog got on there. They just don't get it. You should see what those fools said about unconsummated.blogspot.com. Put these folks out of your mind.

11/05/2011 12:21:00 PM  
Blogger Antônio Lídio Gomes said...

My dear Shomer

A Oferenda

À meia-noite quando o galo canta
A Graça vem, sopra com a mão
O Poderoso, Justo te alcança
Na plenitude do teu coração

Alcança o aflito, com sua virtude
Que hoje sofre com sua aflição
Os anjos todos, nessa atitude
São portadores da divina ação

Os santos anjos zelam guardiões,
Nos quatro cantos que nos céus habitam;
Levando a Deus as imprecações.

A oração, que do justo vai fluindo,
Um anjo beija e se enternece;
É uma oferenda, para Deus subindo.

Inspirado no Zohar, o Livro do Esplendor

Shalom

11/13/2011 10:35:00 AM  
Anonymous סקס said...

באמת מידע טוב מאוד כי יהיה מועיל כל כך. עכשיו הכי מתעניינים ככה.

11/15/2011 05:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so SO glad to see that you've updated. You've been missed!

I think regardless of what you end up doing, you're a lovely girl. God knows your heart. Am I saying you should go ahead and have sex already? No. But I am saying that I think God loves us and understands us more than we can ever comprehend.

You're so sweet and REAL. I wish I knew you in real life. Seriously.

(hugs) Be blessed!

-Random Gentile Lady in NC

11/28/2011 10:40:00 PM  
Anonymous A Jersey Girl said...

Hello, I just read your blog (all of it, but not all the comments). Since I believe you mentioned that you only discuss sex with a very few people in real life, I would like to pass along my 2 cents' worth as if you were a girlfriend of mine. (Although I am not Orthodox, many things you said struck a chord with me.)
It is December -- I don't know if you have been dating, or what decisions you have made since your last blog post. I wanted to pass along some experiences, since I care what happens to you.
Most importantly, I have found that sex literally feels different *physically* if I love someone. Maybe because of pheremones or something, I don't know. My close friends have said the same. Once, I slept with a guy just because my body was screaming for it, and learned the hard way that an orgasm with someone I don't love is not nearly as *physically* fulfilling as any skin contact at all with someone I do. I just wish I had known that beforehand, so I could have made an informed decision (whatever that decision would have been).
I definitely hear what you're saying that "600 calories a day is better than nothing"-- (relationship calories, of course, not food calories!!) I just wanted to warn you that, for a woman with conservative sexual values, sex without love can potentially be like eating sand instead of bread.
In addition, attractiveness in my experience (other than good hygiene, naturally) is about self-confidence and chemistry. A man you feel a strong, reciprocal connection to, is going to want you (whether or not he turns out to be your "soul-mate"). Losing weight is ABSOLUTELY NOT needed for that connection--nor, quite frankly, is even being especially pretty. Your blog clearly shows your passion and depth of character--maybe it's just about meeting more people? Is there any way to "cast a wider net"?
I wish you the best of luck with your romantic relationships, as well as with all the other facets of your life!
Sincerely,
A Jersey Girl

12/12/2011 03:16:00 AM  
OpenID yeshivaforum said...

"You're so sweet and REAL. I wish I knew you in real life. Seriously."

I second that.

12/19/2011 07:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog really breaks my heart, you seem like a really sweet person and I hope you find happiness.

12/28/2011 08:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I'm younger, MO, and married. And I wasn't shomer negiya before I was married - I had sex for the first time when I was 18. And sometimes I regret the fact that I had a history before I met my husband. But mostly I regret the times when I felt abused and used.

My advice - if you want to go the road of friends with benefits - find a male friend and spend the night together without doing much. Just kiss and hold each other the first time.

If you feel safe and cared for in his arms, and if he's willing to wait for you to be ready, then he might not love you the way you need for a marriage, but there is love there.

Friendship is a type of love. The man who held me all night the night my dog got hit by a car didn't do it out of lust. He did it out of genuine concern and love (btw, that was 6+ years ago, and the dog's still doing great, thank G-d) I don't regret the time I spent with him even though marrying him was ridiculously out of the question because our values are so radically different.

Btw, I'm very overweight, and my recommendation for overweight women is to stay far away from shadchanim. Look for personal recommendations - there are 'sug a' men who don't mind a cuddlier woman! And be willing to accept the possibility that you might end up with someone who has children from a previous marriage - I married at 27, and my husband has a child from a previous marriage.

Signing as 33Wide ;)

1/02/2012 05:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog is awesome, really helpful to those of us struggling with shmirat negiah.
But, the white on black is veryy exhausting to read!! Can I ask you to change the format??
Thanks

1/10/2012 07:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, just stumbled onto your blog. I'm a jewish man, was not shomer negiah nor raised religious other than kosher and went to yeshiva, but did not have premarital relations. I think that you think too darn much. This is not rocket science, it's God given human nature. Just stop thinking so hard and be natural and simple. Go find a jewish man that is decent, that you are somewhat attracted to, and who has a job. Other than that just silence your mind and don't think about anything else. Marry this person immediately and have a child. Don't think, just do. This is not a hard thing, people have been doing this since time immemorial. Your husband and your child and you will have a better life than almost everyone on planet earth today, and better than almost everyone in human history. Just shut your dogone mind off, and be natural and let biology and instinct handle it. God speaks to us through our hearts not through overthinking. This is why many people today have a hard time connecting with God. If you're going to have sex anyways than why not just marry first. Do you really think you'd be happier at 60 having had daliances, rather than at 60 having had relations with you're husband whom you love and have a 20 year old daughter. If you do not take my advice than let me suggest that the peron you have sex with be a jew who seems decent and whose nature seems similar to yours. Then perhaps after you have sex you will possibly later end up marrying each other. Meaning don't have meaningless sex find someone who you could possibly marry. All the best. Hey, if it makes you feel better we all came from dust and to dust we will all return. Kol tuv lach achoti hayekara, ani mekaveh shehashem yevarech otach maher besimcha. Btw for depression and for losing weight (and getting genrally healthy and vibrant) check out the following site cholesterol-and -health . com

2/19/2012 08:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With love and compassion - see www.evanmarckatz.com/blog - An excellent dating coach - not exactly religious (at all0 - but very down to earth, solid advice - enjoy and never give up

3/24/2012 06:33:00 PM  
Blogger Elana said...

Your FAQ answers are for the most part clever, reasonable, and understandable, and show how thoughtful and caring you are, and how much you've considered so many issues. There is really only one of your answers that I would urge you to reconsider and i'll tell you why: you say that you refuse the offers of people who read your blog to meet. You don't want them to know how many vibrators you have.....I think that your answer demonstrates exactly where you're stuck: SHAME. You are so stuck in your own sense of shame, the idea that you have to hide out, hide behind this blog hide behind your weight, the feeling that you are unworthy, that if people knew the real you they wouldn't like you... your shame is precisely what is holding you back, holding you in. You need to learn to accept who you are, all of you, the part of you that is sad and lonely alongside the part of you that is smart and professional and successful; the part of you that is overweight and the part of you that is passionate; the part of you that is a virgin and the part of you that loves sex and is full of sensuality; the part of you that is religious and the part of you that is ready to reject aspects of religion just to alleviate the pain of loneliness; the part of you that is afraid and the part of you that is fearless enough to write this blog. You are all of that. You are exactly that, the whole array of complexities. It's all of you. You need to love all of you, accept all of you, and allow all of you to be seen. There are lots of people reading this blog who feel love towards you. You should embrace that. let people love you. Let you love yourself...
i also highly recommend yoga and meditation. there is a yoga teacher in modi'in, ori arbell in sangayoga, who does astounding things in terms of helping people let go of fears and allow us to accept ourselves and love ourselves and reach our goals. highly recommended.

e

4/05/2012 06:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really appreciate this. I am not frum, but an evangelical Christian who made a similar commitment to abstain as a teen and now in my late 20s have found it difficult to wait and don't have many understanding secular friends. (They too liked to say things like - do it already!) . . . and I've also struggled with self-esteem, etc. that comes with having waited for so long and largely being made to feel undesirable and unwanted by the opposite sex. Though I did end up finally getting kissed at 23 and losing my virginity at 25 (almost 26) - it was to a non-Christian guy who didn't share my values and we ultimately broke up. Which left me wishing on some level that I had just continued to wait. Though I'm now 27, still single, and still having a hard time finding a guy who shares my values. So the shidduch crisis isn't just a frum Jewish problem - but seems to be a problem in many religious communities - with many women like us being made to feel as though it's somehow our fault that there aren't good men out there who are also attracted to us. I feel your pain and wish you the very best. Baruch Hashem!

11/10/2012 05:16:00 PM  
Anonymous SteveofCaley said...

If I could post one more comment, [obviously more important than getting to work on time]

INTERVIEW WITH RAPHUS CUCULLATUS

I> So you're ...

RC> I'm Raphus cucullatus, a flightless waterfowl from Mauritius. Some people call me the dodo, I don't care for that name, please don't...

I> So why don't you fly?

RC> Don't think I haven't thought about it! (laughs). It's just not in my nature...

I> Why don't you try it? You have all the right parts....

RC> I know, and I sure have tried to get there..but it doesn't happen for me.

I> Your life must suck, then...

RC> Not really - there's a lot to life as a cucullatus other than flying. We actually wound up like this because we didn't need to fly....

I> Are you afraid? Ashamed? Ashamed that you are afraid, or afraid that you are ashamed?

RC> Again, it's not such a big deal as you might think... I have friends, the gulls and everyone..I have my health...

I> Why don't you ask the gulls how to fly?

RC> Actually, the gulls don't have the sharpest beaks on the beach, you know what I'm saying? It's not a matter of intelligence.

[CONTINUED]

3/14/2013 10:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"How innocent I was, how stupid, not to realize that no matter how "religious" a man may seem on the outside, no matter that every Friday night he sings "sheker hachen v'hevel hayofi," if you are not pretty enough nothing else matters, not really, not in dating."

That is the world, not the world of G_d.
___

O Moysi! Moishe! Cur vobis descendunt?
Non video fatum duodecim?
An vero Deus non doceat vos etiam in futurum et populo electorum eius?
Prius perierat decem, deinde reliquae duae.
Duodecim erit fuisse, uti amitteretur.
De ob causam vadis faciem Dei?
Et acerba cinis desertis habitabant omnibus diebus vitæ tuæ in desertum mori.
Sanctus est voluntas sacramenti.
_____
(O Moses! Moishe! Why did you descend again?

Could you not see the fate of the twelve, the future of the Chosen?

First ten were lost, and then the remaining two.

Why go down from the face of God?

To dwell all the days of thy life In the bitter ashes, into the wilderness, to die.

Thus is the Holy mystery.)

3/15/2013 10:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Woojooz (Jhon) said...

I do agree with most of the post in here. First of all, I want to admire your spontaneity in speaking your mind out, knowing you're in a religion wherein there are a lot of expectations and restrictions.

Second, I want to commend your opinions without crossing borders or the need to please others. I think you should wait for the right time and don't mind others about their opinion to you. Let love haunt you and just go with the flow, but dot forget to learn from your experiences.

8/27/2013 12:07:00 AM  

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