So why am I making a blog about something so personal?
First, because in the last few years, being S.N. to me has become a little like living in jail. There is a world out there (my married friends, my not frum friends) who are enjoying being sexual people, and I am imprisoned in my single, religious, Nice Jewish Girl life. Sometimes I think that if I do not have sex I will explode. Sometimes I think that if I do not find out what it feels like to have a man’s hands on me, I will go crazy. Maybe this blog is the explosion! Maybe after all I have gone crazy!
Another reason I am blogging is that I want support from other people who are in the same situation. I do of course have some single friends who have similar problems. We talk about it. But in many cases, being S.N. does not bother them as much as it bothers me. Some friends have told me that they cry sometimes because they feel lonely, but no one else has told me that they cry sometimes because they are sexually starving. Maybe they just will not admit it. But it seems like they are not so in touch with themselves. Not figuratively and not literally. I do not know any other frum women as far as I know who own a vibrator for example. I have owned three and do not know how I would survive without it. What does that mean? Who understands?
Another reason I am blogging is that I want people to not judge each other too much. There are people who make jokes about being S.N., who say that people like me must be lesbians or frigid. They do not understand the reality and how religiously and emotionally complicated it is to be S.N. all this time. People like me have to be very strong and there is some holiness and purpose in that.
There is also the judgement from the religious side. Fifteen years ago I thought that single women who were “older” like in their late twenties who started down the slippery slope and became less frum were somehow not as good religiously as me. I thought that if they really believed in halacha they would never do that. It was easy to think that when I was younger and thought I could get married soon. Now however I see how hard it is to stay strong all this time. It is bad enough to be alone, but to be not sexual is almost as bad, and the two together is terrible. I have been on depression medication for a long time. I have had fantasies of killing myself. I have considered hiring a male prostitute and getting it over with. No, I have not tried either of those last two things, chas vishalom. But it shows how hard it is to be 34 and single and a nice Jewish girl. I cannot blame anyone who decides it is not worth it. To all the married people out there telling older singles that they should deny themselves, I wish I could respond "let he who is 34 and never been kissed cast the first stone."