A few days ago I told him that I have never been kissed. I had noticed that despite the fact that he is very religious otherwise we were engaging in quite a bit of accidentally (on purpose) touching. Nothing conscious really just light brushes against my hand or us bumping into each other a little when we walk next to each other. The type of thing that could be an accident but most of the frum men I have dated would immediately apologize and move further away from me so it would not happen again. He is otherwise very frum but when we accidentally touch he does not apologize and he does not move and that is OK with me! I guess this happens when there is really chemistry, right?
We had a long talk. I had never told any man about my history or non-history as the case is. So this was the first time I told a man I was dating that I have never even been kissed. I told him about how unlucky I have been in my dating life and how I used to be shomer negiah because I was very frum and then later I was shomer negiah by default, because I had no one I cared enough about to do anything with after being S.N. for so long.
At first he could not believe it. He has never dealt with a woman before who had never even been kissed. He kept asking me if I am OK with that and I told him no, I hate it, it is very hard, I have the same hormones as everyone else. But also I know that I have made my decisions and that I cannot change the past and that Hashem has reasons for making my life turn out the way it has. I have to believe it is for the best. I accept it because I have no choice.
I think he is bewildered by me. But why I am writing about it is that he keeps saying that the next time he sees me he is going to kiss me, that it is about time I had my first kiss.
I am excited but confused. First of all I do not know exactly what he means, you know? I think for a while he thought that I meant that I have never gotten any kind of kiss from anyone at all. I told him no, of course not, I have gotten kisses from my father, my uncles, my brothers, my nephews. I told him that I have sometimes gotten hugs at work though not often. But of course those are not the same thing. He said “oh, what you mean is that you have never gotten the kind of kiss that lasts for 15 minutes.” But he did not then say “well I will have to correct that.” I think he means to kiss me on the cheek or something.
That would be nice but it is not really what I am aiming for.
What I want is the 15 minute kiss! I want a kiss that makes me have to come up for air!
I wish I could say that the thought of doing this possibly on my very next date makes me feel guilty about breaking halacha. Especially because it is almost Rosh Hashanah and we are supposed to be atoning for our sins not planning to do new ones. But honestly I do not feel so guilty. I cannot explain why. I know I should say that no matter how old I am I should at least feel guilty about breaking halacha especially at this time of year.
But . . . well you have read my blog. You know what I have been through. You know how strong I have been for so long, and sometimes how weak. You know how I just cannot do it anymore.
I do not know for sure whether I will marry this man. I hope so. He is so very sweet to me. It would be nice to have found the right person. But even if not I do not think I will feel guilty retroactively about kissing him or more. (I told him emphaticly that there are certain things I will not do before I get married and he accepted that). I am 35 and my body has had enough of being alone. My soul too.
What I am though scared about is what if it is not what I dreamed it would be? I do after all have doubts about whether he wants to kiss me because he really wants to or because he feels sorry for me like I have a problem that needs correcting. It is not that I expect there to be fireworks. This is not the movies, I know that. What I mean is that when I kiss him I want to feel safe. I want to know that kissing me is important to him, not some kind of remedial project.
He is good to me. But a month ago I had never even met him.
I have not met him many times. Is it too soon?
On the other hand if not now, when?
I will have a lot to think about over Rosh Hashana that is for sure. How strong do I want to be? What does “being strong” mean now that I am 35 and have a chance at being kissed by a man who so far seems nice, and serious?