What will be the reality?
I wrote that women I know who have been not-S.N. in some of their relationships seem more comfortable than I am in their sexuality (which was refuted by some commenters). You might say: but Nice Jewish Girl, I thought you said you have owned three vibrators! You must be very comfortable.
The difference is that everything I know about my own sexuality is based on fantasy and on conjecture. I know how my body responds to various stimuli but I do not know how it would respond when you mix in a real man and emotions and not knowing yet what he likes and him not knowing yet what I like.
Yes I think about sex all the time. Yes I know how to relieve the tension, as it were. But I have a fear that I will get married and discover that I am bad in bed, or that I just do not enjoy it, or that my husband has some kind of sexual issue that has to be overcome or that I do. What if truly I do not like it? What if I am bad at it? The question haunts me and causes me a lot of pain. I hurt for not being able to find out either way. I hurt for not being able to get on with my life.
The difference is that everything I know about my own sexuality is based on fantasy and on conjecture. I know how my body responds to various stimuli but I do not know how it would respond when you mix in a real man and emotions and not knowing yet what he likes and him not knowing yet what I like.
Yes I think about sex all the time. Yes I know how to relieve the tension, as it were. But I have a fear that I will get married and discover that I am bad in bed, or that I just do not enjoy it, or that my husband has some kind of sexual issue that has to be overcome or that I do. What if truly I do not like it? What if I am bad at it? The question haunts me and causes me a lot of pain. I hurt for not being able to find out either way. I hurt for not being able to get on with my life.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 3/29/2005 06:28:00 AM
7 Comments:
If you are "making love" you won't be bad. You can't be. If you are in love and trying to please, you will succeed, either naturally or by learning. Yes, one can be be at "sport f--king" but that's is so foreign to this issue. As for the "not enjoy it" part, again, relax. If he is in love, and wants to please you as well, you will enjoy it. Mutually. The last thing to worry about is how you will be when the time comes. (Yeah, the very first time you might be a touch nervous).
well i just want to say that you write about thinking of sex all the time. i wonder about boys nowadays in the frum world. i am talking about the ones that are 20-24 not married and wanting to get married, what do you think they are going through, i regards to their feelings? you know they say that men have stronger hormones than women so it must me harder for them to "hold it in". i mean i know all about the torah laws of sex before marriage, but in todays day and age when it is all around you from when you are a child, what must it be like to go through this?
In my not-at-all extensive experience, the most important things about being good at sex are knowledge of your own body's responses (which you have) and complete comfort with the person you're in bed with (which you're working to find). My husband and I were each others' first lovers; we had messy, awkward, slightly painful, did-we-do-it-or-not? sex the first time, which was preceded and followed by a lot of reassuring sexual touching (that's the part where it's easy to guide your partner, since you know your own body and s/he is generally eager to learn). Every time thereafter, we've enjoyed sex ranging from great to really great to I-think-I-just-saw-the-merkavah.
I think it depends a lot on the man. I have had enough experience to know this is absolutely true, a bad lover will leave you frustrated, women are more dependent on the man to enjoy sex than the other way round. There are also some with whom you do not click sexually. Personally, I am pro-marital sex because of this, it is a huge part of a relationship and if it fails it is still possible to go on loving the person and cherishing the good things but - bad lovers stink, and they'll leave you frustrated, and true, a lot can be learned but sometimes there is no hope.
You can tell though. You can tell how your body responds to them, you can see how they touch you, how they kiss you. In your case though, it may be a bit different because you are so love- and sex-starved, so a bit may seem like alot. I wish you luck, lots of luck, and a partner that will please you on every level.
I think the fear you describe in this post doesn't have much to do with being SN or not - it's a fear everyone has before they've had sex.
It's a well known argument against being SN - 'what happens if my partner and I are sexually incompatible, why not try before we commit' - but many others, already married, much like the other comments to this post say that even if they did it for the first time after they got married, and it was hard at first, they just needed to learn just like learning any other thing, and eventually the love betwen them covers up any physical issues they might have, or other so-called 'incompatibility issues'.
anony 1-yeah I think guys have it harder, but insufficient data...
anony 2-very funny
anony 3-? will get back to...
anony 4-sounds true.
Apparently there is was movie that said "sex is like pizza, no matter how bad it is-it is still good."
Doing something in the privacy of your own room does not give one much self confidence. If anything it detracts from it. :(
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