If I could turn back time
What is more important for me to discuss with a rabbi is my mixed feelings about the fact that I have been S.N. all this time. I wrote in my first post that I do not regret it. I know women who were physically intimate with their boyfriends to one degree or another, and afterwards when they broke up the fact that they had done that did not help them and in many cases made them feel worse. But. But. But. But they have more confidence in their femininity, I think. The ones who have been not-S.N. with serious boyfriends seem more comfortable with their sexuality. I am not talking about women who did anything that made them feel cheap, rather women who did things with men that were in proportion to how well they knew the men, and how long they had been dating, and how well the men treated them.
I wonder whether it might have been better for me to go ahead and for example “make out” with some of my boyfriends when I thought I had a chance. This was years ago. Would it make a difference in how I feel about myself? If so for better or for worse?