No Good Choices
Sometimes it is not about sex I fantasize about but rather about affection, and I fantasize about holding a man’s hand when I am walking around outside. I will go places for Shabbos and secretly envision a man who loves me sitting next to me at the Shabbos table. I just want him to be there.
A close girlfriend once said to me “_______, you need to get laid.” She meant it half mockingly and half seriously. It is true that I am so wound up . . . what was that line in Ferris Bueller? . . . well, anyway, I am very wound up. But it is like that song, “I can’t get no satisfaction”. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to go offer myself to a man I hardly know? I want to be caressed and I want to be held tight and I want to be made love to, but I do not want to be cheap.
I want to be in a good relationship and then maybe, if the man feels similar about being Shomer Negiah as I do - get the caresses and the hugs. I want to get married and then have sex. What if that never happens? What if it happens when I am 50 and meanwhile I have wasted all the years of being young? As I already have? I have no good choices. I am trapped.