Needing divine intervention
I sometimes consider going to a rabbi to talk about my problem. I would like to think and hope that a rabbi will have some spiritual guidance to give that would help me. But what could he say? He would not tell me that I have waited enough and it is alright for me to sleep with someone I hardly know. He would not tell me that I could date non-religious Jews or non-Jews in order to increase my dating pool. And there is nothing he could say that would make me feel better about being not just a virgin but never even kissed at 34. The best I could hope for is reassurance that if I am not S.N. in my next relationship, that it is understandable and God will not judge me harshly for it. But even that is irrelevent if I am not seeing anyone. I do not need a rabbi. What I need is more dates. I need a boyfriend. I need a shadchan, and I need a miracle.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 3/15/2005 08:31:00 PM
5 Comments:
i hesitate to say what i think for fear of causing you pain, but on the small chance it may help, i'll make a few short comments...
not to argue with the aforesaid, but to add - maybe if you can stomach a brutally honest critique from a perceptive and caring Rov, and act on it, you can increase your chances of finding the choson you deserve. someone successfully experienced in this area may help you figure out why you aren't married yet.
i think being with a man who wants your body and not you (if he truly wants you, wouldn't he marry you?) would only bring feelings of loneliness into sharper relief. you may succeed in satisfying physical desire - but in return will intensify your deeper desires for love to nightmarish proportions.
the lofty desire for marital love, as felt in many ways, is a feeling G-d enabled us to have so as we may apprehend his relationship to us, and how He feels when we drift from Him. Maybe that idea will help you be strong when grappling with the idea of trading your love of Him for the touch of a man.
if all else fails, remember you don't want to one day find your bashert, find that he wants you for his wife, and then have to tear both of your hearts to shreds by telling him you didn't wait for him, and perhaps making him feel he will also have to stay alone.
stay strong, the rest of us cant make it without people like you.
A married Jew.
i hesitate to say what i think for fear of causing you pain, but on the small chance it may help, i'll make a few short comments...
not to argue with the aforesaid, but to add - maybe if you can stomach a brutally honest critique from a perceptive and caring Rov, and act on it, you can increase your chances of finding the choson you deserve. someone successfully experienced in this area may help you figure out why you aren't married yet.
i think being with a man who wants your body and not you (if he truly wants you, wouldn't he marry you?) would only bring feelings of loneliness into sharper relief. you may succeed in satisfying physical desire - but in return will intensify your deeper desires for love to nightmarish proportions.
the lofty desire for marital love, as felt in many ways, is a feeling G-d enabled us to have so as we may apprehend his relationship to us, and how He feels when we drift from Him. Maybe that idea will help you be strong when grappling with the idea of trading your love of Him for the touch of a man.
if all else fails, remember you don't want to one day find your bashert, find that he wants you for his wife, and then have to tear both of your hearts to shreds by telling him you didn't wait for him, and perhaps making him feel he will also have to stay alone.
stay strong, the rest of us cant make it without people like you.
A married Jew.
i would still recommend seeing a rabbi.
but not one of those young israel, whipper-snapper Y.U. lawyer rabbis -- i mean a real holy rabbi.
sometimes, it doesn't make sense, but it helps.
(and it couldn't make things much worse.)
with empathy.
Be careful, some rabbis, even "real holy ones", aren't as holy as people think. Maybe you would do better to talk to a rebbitzin.
I'd like to comment on "a married Jew" and say that although it's great to wait until your married to have sex, any man who would dump his bashert because she "didn't wait for him," especially if she's in her mid-30s when they met, does not really love her and is not worth marrying.
I know very religious, happily married couples, where the wife was not a virgin when she met her husband. There's a lot more to being a good person, than maintaining virginity. If you've ever read "Tess of the Deubervilles" by Thomas Hardy, you might understand how some girls are tested more than thers, and virginity is not always the sign of sexual moral ethics.
I am a virgin and it is important to me, but I hope to meet a man who would love me no matter what.
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