Monday, March 28, 2005

Nice Company

Thank you to all the nice bloggers who linked to my site, especially to Renegade Rebbetzin, Bloghead, and most especially to Esther for saying I am Jewlicious. Being called Jewlicious moved me very much. Lately I have been feeling that my commitment all these years to being Shomer Negiah has been pathetic rather than holy. Esther reminded me that I have been strong, in ways apparently which most people are not. I had forgotten.

Thank you to everyone who left comments on my posts. Even though there is nothing that anyone can do to change my situation (other than introduce me to my bashert) it is nice to know that there are sympathetic people reading my words.

I was worried that when I start getting comments they would be something like “This is why I hate Orthodoxy” or “Come on just get out there and have sex already” or perhaps “You should say more tehillim to stop yourself from having lurid thoughts.” I am so very happy that this has not been the case. Almost everyone has been thoughtful and kind. Thank you.

I have already written the next few posts, I wrote them before I saw the comments that have already been written. I worry that it will seem like I am just complaining. How many ways are there to say that being Shomer Negiah is difficult and lonely? Then again I think it is important to express this. It is important for teachers in Jewish schools to understand. It is important for me to have a means of expression and it is important for other Shomer Negiah people who might be reading this to know they are not alone. It is important for me to know I am not alone.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Found your blog today through the nice people at Jewlicious, and wow, what a dilemma. I'm not observant at all and can't imagine the kind of self-control it takes to be shomer negiah, but I have some Orthodox friends and can see where you're coming from. From my experience the people who wait the longest are usually the sweetest. I hope you find a good guy soon and don't let him leave the bed for 2 weeks after you get together. Best of luck!

3/28/2005 08:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The grass is always greener.... i know that doesn't help much. First let me tell you that i am a man, married, and what you are doing is RIGHT! Unfortunately i was "molested" at an early age and probably suffer from the "experience" to this day. I'm not a psychologist (and i doubt that many people who write are), so be very careful of any advice people give you. Now, why am i blogging you? i'm sure it is extremely difficult for you, but let me tell you how it is for me for not following what God has clearly stated. i married a person of a different faith, we had pre-marital sex, and we have a terrible marriage. She almost never (maybe biannually) wants to "make love", while i, on the other hand, want to have a true relationship, spiritually, physically and mentally, daily (physically weekly would be nice but we've "had sex" only once this year). i struggle daily and this has caused me to have hypertention, drink too much and it is also affecting my work in the office. we've been married for 12 years and though i know divorce is a sin, i often think of leaving. as you can see, the alternatives can be worse. while i am not of the exact same faith as you, many of our beliefs are the same and one of them is that "sex" before marriage is wrong. You have the opportunity to share the most wonderful, fullfilling experience in your life with a very special wonderful person. God has a purpose for everyone. We all need to get closer to Him. We live in a difficult time with sex being put in front of us all the time. Satan is roaming the earth seeking whom he may devour and he has plenty of food walking around. Please don't end up on his plate! i know there are a lot more issues here than i understand and i know that what i say may or may not help, but you are doing what is right and you can and should take strength in that. God is a personal, loving God, talk to Him and He will lead you. Do what YOU want and end up like me. You are in my prayers, keep me in yours. God bless!

3/28/2005 09:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a man I didnt know that woman want sex so much. I thought they just want kisses and cuddling. Do you realy want sex or just soime nice cuddling?

3/28/2005 11:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heylo... I was referred to you by Jewlicious, and I'm so glad. I admire your commitment to your faith and to being yourself. Personally, I am not shomer negiah, but I have a strong respect for you. Please keep on writing, and I will keep on reading!

3/29/2005 12:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Israel said...


This is Israel from

Yishar Koach!

Maybe we can help you find your Bashert?
Sign up for free, and send me an email at so I can activate you for free.

3/29/2005 12:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Grace said...

I've only been leading an Orthodox lifestyle for the past 3 years, and I truly do wish that I had been SN. I am 40, and married now, but my past still haunts me. As someone who has had LOTS of sex with LOTS of different people, I want to tell you that it can get boring after a while. Then there are the pregnancy scares, the STD tests, the birth control, the rejection by guys who "got what they wanted". I could go on and on.

What you are doing is hard, but it's not dangerous or damaging. Your body is pure and healthy, and Hashem will reward you. We are chosen people, and what we are chosen for is not an easy life. We are chosen for greater glory, and a place in the World to Come. (ack! no pun intended!!!)

I truly hope that my daughter will follow your path. She's only 1 1/2 now, and I am already worrying about what to tell her. I hope she grows up with friends like you who can set an example, and help her with her struggles.

Remember, it is better to observe the mitzvot out of love for Hashem, rather than out of fear of sinning.

3/29/2005 01:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Grace said...

PS: Get yourself to a shidduchan! :-)

3/29/2005 01:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been coming back to your blog all afternoon and evening and can't stop thinking about what you've written. I'm a few years younger than you and remember how I felt when I was about to turn 25 and couldn't believe that I'd never had sex. All that ran through my head were the lyrics to that song "25 years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill..." I can't breath sometimes when I think about the years that have passed since then--and nothing and everything is different. When I read your blog I feel as though I'm reading my own words-- and somehow I'm comforted and terrified and raging with anger at the same time. Just know that you aren't alone in your struggle.

3/29/2005 02:01:00 AM  
Anonymous ck said...

What can I say that hasn't already been said? One of your previous commenters, Israel from JMatch is someone I know and have been associated with for years. JMatch was started by his Mom who got into the shadchan world as a response to her experiences as a holocaust survivor. Get in touch - they are good people.

Far from being pathetic, you've set an example that we can all learn from and emulate, regardless what our level of observance or even our religion is. In a world where sexuality is a ubiqitous commodity, there's value in restraint and there's value in viewing it as something holy.

Having said that, the point been duly made and duly noted. I now command you to get married and start bumpin' booties with your bashert!


3/29/2005 02:07:00 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

This is your blog. This should be your sanctuary. You should be able to write about whatever yopu want and not worry abt whether it will be viewed as complaining. Even if all you do is complain, you have earned the right to. Your blog, you decide, I'll happily (well, you know what I mean) read you for as long as youd ecide to blog.

4/01/2005 11:35:00 AM  

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