My Biological Clock
First of all I am not an ignoramus. Do you think I do not know that the “biological clock” is ticking? Do you not think that I already think about this all the time? I get enough warnings about this from my mother (oh boy I could write a whole blog just about her) without also hearing it from an anonymous commenter who calls himself Shleppy. I am not like some women who decided to focus on her career in her twenties and put off getting married on purpose. I have been trying to get married and then have a family for more than 14 years.
Second, what do you mean “find someone, anyone?” No one can tell me that I am too picky. Most of the time I am willing to date someone a second or third time even if I think they are boring or unattractive, because I am willing to get to know someone and give them a chance. It is rare however that a man will extend to me the same courtesy. Many of these times I do not care because I was not terribly thrilled about them either but I am very rarely the one to say that it is over.
Perhaps you would prefer that I had married the man for whom I felt nothing even after dating him for three months? Do you think that would have been a good marriage? Or the man with the gambling problem? The father of my children should be a gambling addict? Do you truly think I would be happy now if I had married him?
So I do not understand what people want me to do to find “someone, anyone” to marry or have a baby with. What, I should stand on a street corner with a sign that says “Please Impregnate Me?”
Third and most important is this: You do not have to be Orthodox to decide being a single mother is not something one wants to do if she has a choice on the matter. I have thought about this very much. These days even a single Orthodox woman has the option to adopt or have artificial insemination if she lives in an open-minded community and is independent enough. But I do not think that I am emotionally or financially able to raise a baby by myself. I work full time just to take care of myself. Who would watch the baby? I cannot afford to buy a baby everything it needs let alone pay someone to take care of it while I am at work. If I got very sick or something happened to me what would happen to the baby? Also that is besides the emotional commitment of taking care of a baby who cries at night and needs new diapers and a lot of attention and nutritious food and never getting a break because I have no husband. Believe me I watch my friends who have babies and even with a husband to do some of the tasks they go crazy, so I can not imagine what I would do if I was all alone trying to raise a child.
Nevertheless since I have a choice about it if I am still single in a few years I would like to adopt a child if I can afford it and if I have a support system to care for the child if I get sick or something happens to me. I do not want to be artificially inseminated even though the idea of never being pregnant and having my own baby makes me very sad. I cannot imagine myself bringing a new baby into the world who would have no father when there are so many babies with no parent at all who need a home. What I might have to offer a child is not as good as having two parents but it is better than living in an orphanage.
Since adopting will be as much an option in a few years as it is now I am not in a rush, am I? Except to save money for it.
And also except that my ideal is still to get married for many reasons: emotional companionship, sex of course, and also to have babies. For all three of those reasons I want to get married as soon as possible. For all those reasons I have been trying to get married for a decade and a half. But I have tried everything and do not know what more I can do. I try to stay strong and not get bitter and unhappy because certainly that is also a turnoff for men and not a nice way to live. But I cannot help it. Most of the time I feel that it is hopeless. I cry a lot, especially at night.