Still Single
The rest is commentary.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 12/24/2008 04:25:00 PM
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
About Me
- Name: Shomer Negiah
- Location: United States
United States. Female. 34. Never been kissed.That is all you know about me, and all you need to know.
If you are here for the first time please read the first two posts first. Welcome.
Email me at shomernegiah (at) gmail (dot) com.
Previous Posts
- Yes I am OK
- Doughnut
- Onward
- I am OK.
- We broke up
- How to contact me
- My blog is a dance!
- Many notes and an apology
- Nice Jewish Girl has been kissed
- Taking The Chance
58 Comments:
I was hoping to hear you were engaged after such a long period of quiet....
Hopefully you will be soon....
Big hug, lots of empathy and support.
And if you feel the need to share with us, we'll be glad to hear.
what about having some sex
Well then add some commentary!
I've missed your posts. You are in my thoughts, may god bless you and bring you the happiness you deserve.
Just wanted to let you know I've been monitoring this blog for a couple years now.
Sorry the good Lord hasn't united you with a man yet, though it's good to know you didn't get knocked off by a stray qassam...
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i was hoping to hear that you had gotten married.
:-( Thank you for posting an update. I've often wondered how you're doing. And thanks for this blog...you've expressed what so many of us frum people feel inside. Good luck to you.
Although I am married, it seems that I have lost some of what you seek. After being married to a lovely Jewish woman and having an equally lovely daughter, due to a medical circumstance not the fault of either myself or my wife, I am now and have been for some time in a marriage without the possibility of sex and without physical intimacy, both of which I crave more than I like to admit to. Yet, I remain committed to my wife and family, to my marriage and my Jewish heritage and religion. There was no way of foreseeing that my life and marriage would evolve this way. I don't blame anyone; You can make all the right choices and not get what you want, or arrive at where you want to be. It is not a punishment or a test, it is just life. That doesn't mean I am happy with it. I just have no path that would lead me anyplace better. So I have no advice for you, and nothing to offer in comfort; As all prayers end: Amen. So be it.
It is good to hear from you, albeit so briefly.
I hope things are going well for you in other areas of your life.
I have thought of you in the past year (since I discovered your blog and read it all at once).
I'm also frum and single (in my early thirties), and I too wonder if anything will change.
I've noticed, though, that for some people things in their life get to a really bad place and it seems unbearable and they don't see how things can possibly improve and it is at that point that suddenly things change drastically. I can think of three people in the past year who were at that low point and then suddenly met their future husband. I wonder why some people have to go through that, there must be a reason why.
I hope this doesn't offend you but I know someone who would is interested in doing shomer negiah or dating because he too has not found someone to marry. If this helps you write back to me. And I also think that writing this blog helps so may other jewish woman out there who still havn't found someone to spend their life with.
Dearest NJG,
Thank you also for updating. Sending you much love, sympathy and support. I think of you regulary - and wish you all the happiness and blessings you desire. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and love yourself as you deserve to be loved and cherished by your beshert. He will come one day BH.
f
if you really want a kiss, I'm ready!
Hang in there...hope to read more from you on this blog...I do miss your exquisite writing.
Be strong!!
I am going to second some of the other commenters. You have been living your life the last several years, yes? That can provide a fair amount of interesting commentary.
Have you been unsingle anytime during the past 2 years that you didnt post anything, or have you been single thruout this while time?
what does that mean??
Dear Beautiful Girl,
I have just seen you latest update and want to let you know how much you have touched my soul and how much I care for you. I know the feelings you describe, the crying myself to sleep and loneliness. I want to tell you that I'm sorry, that it sucks, and that it's not fair. You write so beautifully with an honesty and integrity that has doubtless had far reach. I know, because when I was first becoming shomer negiah, your blog gave me a lot of strength and support.
You wrote on one post that you considered making this blog about your weight - I encourage you to do so. As a woman who has also battled those feelings (I think sometimes that most women have) I wonder if it could be healing for you in this one remaining area, that you mentioned you wonder if it's an area that has made dating difficult.
This is another thing that outrages me. I try to make introductions and get very angry with men in the process sometimes - not for wanting a woman they are attracted to, but for what you wrote so wonderfully - that they seem to want an instant connection without the effort that building a relationship comes with. However, there are also a lot of mentches and real men who are examples for others.
Mothers who are reading this - please teach your sons about healthy attraction and that it's not dependent on dress size.
I know a lot of your readers are rooting for you. Are you open to shiddachs? Is there a way for us to try to introduce you to others while maintaining your anonymity?
I don't know that there are words of comfort that I can offer, so instead I will just let you know that you are not alone, and there are a lot of people fighting for you, even if you don't know it. You have had farther reaching impacts on tikun olam than you might realize, and that impact should find itself back to you in reward.
Your Friend,
Pnina
PS, please let me know if there is someway I can try to introduce you to someone while preserving your privacy.
You make me hopeful that I can put aside the qualms I felt about certain halacha and give me hope that I can find my way out of my own sadness. I really hope to hear you blogging again soon (you know as well as anyone that it's a pretty therapeutic method of expression). Maybe a trip to Eretz Yisrael could do some good for others looking for a fresh outlook. :)
Your not the only one in this situation. I'm sure things will work out. Keep the faith.
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I just saw your blog for the first time today. I haven't read all the posts but I feel your pain as much as anyone not in your position can. It is interesting that halacha classifies marital relations as something a husband must provide for his wife just like food and clothing. The connection would imply that Judaism views living without sex as on par with being starved or shamed, as something basically cruel that no one should have to endure.
That being said, I hope you stay shomer negiah and find your bashert very soon. I'll be davening for you. I was not raised frum but have done teshuva and am now shomer negiah myself. Something I like to keep in mind is that no matter how tempting it may sometimes be even to shake a person's hand, doing the opposite of what Hashem wants is not likely to bring me what I want. I know this is a very selfish reason for doing a mitzvah, but if it helps keep me from doing an aveira I think it's worth it.
May you only see revealed good and blessing!!
From one nice Jewish girl to another
I understand being lonely and sad...but please do NOT reduce your life to a single/not-single status...to find your besherte I would think one has to have many layers...and your relationship status is just a part of who you are! As a fellow NJG, I would ask that you put yourself out there...be more than single, think of yourself as more than "single", and someone will find that. Have a kosher Pesach!
You have been an inspiration, truly. Wish you all the best and please include us in your life for most of us have included you as hope in ours.
chazki veamtzi
hank you for your thoughtful blog. It is just what I needed -- both for myself, personally and as a BT mom rearing a teen sn daughter. My daughter has so many questions that I do not know how to answer. but what has been most difficult is that I myself have questions that I had trouble formulating. You put words to them which gives us a starting place from which to examine and deepen our connection to Hashem and Torah.
I especially appreciate your delineation between being sn because of circumstances, conviction or emotional reasons.
I was an aguna for a few years. And before that, my ex did not have relations with me for several years. So I relate to the nisayon.
Please write more. I don't have the ability to write the way you do, but I do feel the way you do.
I am so depressed.
I hope you are doing well. Gmar chatima tova and may the new year bring you only good things.
Geez, sorry to hear your painful tale. The best advice I can give you from one Jew to another is RENT WITH THE OPTION TO BUY. However if you want to lighten your mood and have some fun check out this cool new site. It's humor mixed with a free Jewish dating site and they even a Jewish Facebook to connect with friends & family . It's crazy & a lot of fun.
http://www.4jewsonly.com/
It's been nearly a year since you last wrote. How is life?
I can' tka e all these people and I can't take you. People feel bad for you but do you not realize this is all your own fault in a way? You choose to think a certain way and it is this very way of thiking that causes you so much unhappiness. Grow up, and learn that it's you that has decided to believe that G-d really gives whether you do what is natural.
In the end, when we are all 6 feet in the ground, do you think the most important thing that you will be questioned about is sex and whom you did it with? You really think that this is one of the things that must be followed to the tee, yet it makes you think about possibly taking your own life?
Stop throwing whatever remaining years you have left in the garbage, spending it all along, and just go out and do what you feel will make you happy. All these people commenting, saying how they are with you, and may the Lord help you. Unbelieveable.
Hashe helps he/she who helps him/herself. You are ridiculous. I do not feel for you because you do this to yourself like so many other people out there who do not realize that a person's way of looking at things shapes out their life. You have shaped out a miserable way to live and therefore deserve what you get unless you change it.
I hope you're doing well and have, since your last post, had the chance to realize that you have so much more worth than just being someone's wife. Please remember that God gave you the gift of life and it's wonderful in its own right! It pains me so much to see so many single women in their 30s who keep putting their life on hold and thinking they will only "matter" if they are married! Focus on yourself, be the best you can be and the man will come when he's supposed to. Just in case you think I can't get someone in your position-I am 32, single and shomer negiah, I've been through A LOT in my life and yet I'm doing everything in my power to enjoy my life. Being a "victim" of shomer negiah myself, I do understand your pain, but your life should never, ever be the commentary...
It has been a long time and I just also wanted to know how you are. I watch srugim and think of you as well. hope you are finding joy and peace.
Well, Ashem knows what you want, and need perhaps they are not ready.
- I wish I had been stronger in my early Teen years, You are an inspiration to me,
Thank you.
any girls passes by this stage. do u think no one will be interrested in u???? u`r wrong because any girl is beautiful in many ways. one day u will find the right guy who will be interrested in u and who will give u all the love u need just wait for that moment. now u are almost perfect. don`t u realize that?? nobody kissed u. that`s amazing for a perfect virgin. if i am a man, i`ll be the first lucky to have u in my life coz u`r perfect, pure as diamond girl. think about it in a positive way.good luck.
Please write something about how to bear singlehood and still be happy in a community where many girls are married by 24. I am tired of blaming myself and being depressed. Your blog is very inspirational because your experiences are commonly shared with many other singles.
love your blog
check out mine
JAPBARBIE.COM
hi, sorry to go off topic, but think you should really see this new show. It's prefect for any single jewish girl, or guy... seriously.
I just finished watching episode 4 of the new Jewish TV show “From Date To Mate”– OMG!!! It’s such a good show. Does anyone else know about this?? I just had to spread the word, but it really is a great show!! I’m so happy (and shocked) to see a show like this, with Jewish characters and substance, and it’s really funny! It’s honestly a must see. It’s on Shalom TV On Demand, and I think it’s also on line.
What ever happened to this blog?
I still think about you all the time, and hope you're doing well. I know there are many people, including myself, who would love to hear an update on how you are doing.
Much hatzlacha in whatever you are up to these days! I hope no news is good news. :)
Hello there, I am a traditional Jewish guy currently living in Canada and I can relate to what you have to say. I am also S.N. and I guess you can say we are in the same boat. You can find my profile on JWed. My user name is booleanlogic01. I do hope to hear from you. Take care :)
Hello NJG. I still think of you and miss your writings. I really hope things are turning out well for you and will remember you in my prayers over the Chagim. Best wishes FR
Hello NJG. I still think of you and miss your writings. I really hope things are turning out well for you and will remember you in my prayers over the Chagim. Best wishes FR
I decided to come back and visit this blog to see if you had updated it. I was surprised to see that I was not the only one considering the number of comments from recent times. If anything, this is a testament to the number of people you have touched with your story. My only brocha for you is that the new year brings you all the things that you need at the right time :)
Where have you disappeared?
nothing in 2 years... whats been happening?
We wish you would update us.
I've followed your blog for quite some time. I hope this finds you happy and healthy - you seem like such a sweetheart :)
Do a mitzvah and please update! Please please please? There's a lot of us out here who care about you and wish you the very best :)
-A nice Christian girl in NC
NJG, I just thought of you today. The season of miracles is about to begin, and I hope you have found your own miracle of love. Best wishes to you for happiness and fulfillment.
hello,
I have read our blog many times, but i never wrote anything before..Its been 2 years since you have posted..i wish you would keep us updated..i want to know if any luck has come your way. I am a single 25 year old jewish girl...I often think about you when I think of relationships (which is a lot) You have definitely touched me and probably many others. Please write again
Much love
Just another person who was touched by your blog and checks in to see how you are every once in a while. Hope things are well in Israel, or wherever your life has taken you. G-d bless.
Hi Shomer Negiah,
So I randomly stumbled upon your blog- it is really cool to find someone who is struggling with a lot of the same issues that I have been struggling with, even though I know it is difficult to go through it. Thank you for sharing. At least I know I am not alone. I am 29 and single, and a baal teshuva, and am shomer negiah. I just got back from being in seminary in Israel- I had a really difficult time there. But I am really glad to hear you are enjoying your time there. I know that me telling you some of these things might not matter so much, because you have been single and shomer negiah wayyy longer than I have, but i really do appreciate what you have written, and if you are doing it and being shomer negiah, then it gives me hope that I can also do it. Hey, at least you are dating- I went too much too fast with becoming religious, so now I am starting over from the beginning. So, at least you are closer to meeting your zivug. He is coming to find you.
As for your weight issues you have mentioned. In case you ever want to talk about it or want help being at a healthy weight and feeling better about yourself- and also more positive and hopeful, I am happy to help you with what I know- for free. I have studied healing through natural diet and lifestyle and am a private natural foods chef and teacher. I have been working with many people on how to lose weight and feel good. I struggled with my own feeling blah, depressed and bad about myself at times, and since i have been eating well and taking care, I feel a lot better. There are also people i could refer you to in Israel and America, in case you are interested. I know I don't know you, but I can understand, at least somewhat, what you have written, and feel like I really want to help you, if I can. Anyway, if you are interested, please let me know. I would be so happy for you to feel good about yourself and for you to finally meet your zivug and get married. At least one of us would! Hang in there :)
Take good care,
Ekumayama@yahoo.com
Oh NJG, I really hope you're okay. Please let us know how you're building your life, you're an inspiration.
Shabbat shalom
You don't need to stay single - check out www.frumXchange.com
Verified Members are in blue!
How innocent I was, how stupid, not to realize that [...] if you are not pretty enough nothing else matters, not really, not in dating.
You are still being stupid, fellow child. Don't worry, all of us share the same stupidity.
"What happened to me is a Universal Truth, and what I perceive about my situation is All That Is!"
You are not single because you are not pretty enough. I have friends who are undeniably not pretty, obese, and even physically disabled... who have found romantic love.
When you blame your disappointments in life on matters beyond your control (genetic "good looks", in this case), you are taking the easy way out... and lying about it, to comfort yourself that "you did all you could; it's just that the World wouldn't let you win."
Bah, humbug.
The world won't meet you on your terms. It isn't interested in compromising with you, and has no need to do so, as you are but one-seven-billionth of the people on this planet.
But the world is great and mighty, and diverse beyond your imagining. Learn to find how to engage the world, instead of blaming it for your disappointments.
This life is a test. There are no do-overs and no erasing. Copying from other's is not only allowed; it's encouraged.
We feel for you.
Have you ever 'loved' yourself?
Peace be with you
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