Fear
All the time, I am afraid of being raped. Imagine if my only experience with sex ever in my life was a violent one. Imagine if after “saving myself” for 34 years for someone who loves me enough to marry me if I was violated by someone who was just helping himself. I think they would have to institutionalize me. Always, I am careful of where I park my car and where I walk alone at night. Always, I am aware of where my drinks have been and never get into an empty elevator in a building which might have a closed floor. Always, when I come home, I have my key ready and am aware if a strange person is following me into the building. When I stay in a hotel I never walk to my room if a stranger is behind me. It is a little bit obsessive I think. When your virginity is all you have, you guard it carefully.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 3/29/2005 06:40:00 AM
16 Comments:
Honey, rape can happen to anyone- woman or man- at any time in their lives.
You are allowed to be obsessive about protecting your own safety.
But don't confuse this more universal issue of fear with your questions on your religious/sexual lifestyle.
When your virginity is all you have, you guard it carefully.
That's not all you have. You have much, much more. I don't know you, but I know you are more than your virginity, more than your sexuality. Even when you have trouble seeing that.
Stay strong.
When your virginity is all you have, you guard it carefully.
I'm sorry to say this, but that statement truly cheapens the pain and trauma of so many rape victims. Is it less bad for some of them because they were "loose" or they were "asking for it" whereas you are all innocense and sweetness and light?
Oh my gosh I never thought anyone would read it that way. I am so sorry. I will try to think of how to change the post when I can.
I don’t mean to weird you out, but let me give you the other perspective on this. I went to very intense yeshivishe schools always. I didn’t get married till I was 32. From about the age of 16 until a week or so before the Chassana all I did was fantasize about rape. I could barely learn or davern. It was such an ordeal to do anything. Every single night, I could only fall asleep by having rape fantasies. It was absolutely unbearable.
I hope nothing bad happens to you, Ch-V-Sh, I am just trying to explain that for a man it is much, much worse..
this is an interesting post.
i have a few single friends who seem very anxious about rape. I've always assumed it was some kind of repressed sexual thing (for one or two, i think it might be). But it never occured to me that it was fear of having their sexuality stolen for the first time, when it's been so hard for them to preserve virginity.
thank you for writing this.
How do men KNOW it is much much worse for me than women if they have never been one? I find it terribly irritating! So you know, many women entertain rape fantasies as well. Anon, with all due respect, it sounds like you need to educate yourself more on the subject, especially if you plan to have a sex life with someone.
Re rape, I think it's pretty obvious what you mean, and I don't think it's fair that some commenters are giving you grief over it. Maybe they're talking from a closer perspective and that's not something I'd wish on anyone. Of course you'd worry abt rape, you have placed your virginity on a pedestal, it doesn't really matter what rape is about does it, the end result would still be the same for you. I'm not saying other women suffer less bcs they've had sex before. I'm saying this places an extra burden. There IS a lot attached to virginity in most cultures and consequently, a price to be paid.
I don't know if this will make you feel any better, since your fear of rape seems to be less about the empirical reality and more about other stuff. But..."stranger rape" is not all that common compared to "date rape" (rape is rape, I'm not drawing any kind of moral distinction between the various "kinds"). So if you're not dating, and you're not hanging out at raucous parties with drunk people, I think your chances of getting raped are very small. And you seem to be taking all of the appropriate precautions.
I (a 20-something, SN virgin) had a terrible dream about getting raped a few years ago, so I sympathize. Only, in my case, I was glad to be getting raped, since at least I could have sex that way. (A terrible, terrible thing. I haven't told anyone about that dream, ever.)
to the last anon-
dreaming about enjoying rape happens to a lot of women. It happens to women and girls who are not having sex for moral/religious reasons. it "allows" you to dream about enjoying sex without feeling guilty, in a sense, about not being SN and about having sex.
it DOES NOT mean that you somehow want to be raped (chas v'shalom).
i hope this helps.
I can really sympathize with you on this one. I used be be Shomer Negiah, but not anymore. What killed it? Probably a lot of things, but getting "kiss-raped," was a big one.
I was SN and with the exception of one kiss on the cheek, had never been kissed by anyone (outside my family). I was waiting, for marriage, love, something... that it was the halacha was the bottom line, but also I wanted it to be special and I'd been raised in the belief that it gets less special and will permanently harm a marriage to do it with anyone but a husband.
Then, after years of resisting temptation, I was "kiss raped" by a complete stranger. I was out somewhere and this guy tried to start up with me. I pushed him away. He seemingly lost interest and I stopped paying attention to him. Then he leaned over me, as if to get something from the table next to me, grabbed me and forced his tongue in my mouth. Yuck. I felt sick for days afterwards. More than that, I felt betrayed by G-d. I had foregone numerous opportunities for a nice and sweet first kiss memory. Now I'll always have the memory of a disgusting stranger kissing me unawares.
UJG
Well done on a nice blog Shomer Negiah. I was looking for information on nice hotel and came across your post this post - not quite what I was looking for related to nice hotel but interesting all the same!
Hi, Nice Jewish Girl
I don't know if this post will revive your blog but I am writing nonetheless. At least you should read it.
I sort identify with you and that's why I am prompted to post. I am a man and almost 26, having been brought up in a metropolis in India. I have been with one girl when I was barely 20 and at that time, I used to tell myself that I must save myself for marriage. So, when my girlfriend tongue-kissed me unawares, I enjoyed it on a physical level and started taking the initiative later on. But after some time, I ended up feeling uncomfortable about it. It was a short relationship (a long-distance one at that) that lasted 6 months and I have been single since then.
I don't know if anyone should ever describe himself in the following manner but I am tall and good-looking, earn well and am what Indian girls call a 'catch'. I go out with girls but nothing long-term has emerged. Sometimes, I also think of the short-term, something I did not earlier. But I have never gotten myself to having a fling and I still sit and think about my notion of saving myself. (I still haven't seen a girl naked and no kisses since my first girlfriend.) I think whether it is of any worth? If anyone would care? Or I should just chuck it?
My body, for its part, is going hyper. I shag 3-4 times a day. But yet, I am holding out!
Just in response to that,
I think thatyou and I have the same fear of being raped, the only thing is, and it has been said, that if one were to get raped, yu are still somewhat a virgin. because the sex was not your choice
You think more highly of yourself than you ought to. Its good to be safe, but everyone's not out to get you. Stop obsessing. (The thing that Job, in the bible, feared the most, came upon him.) You're eventually gonna spook yourself into actually getting raped... If that's all you think about. You dont trust God (to protect you like He said He will) too much, do you? Nope.
Want to go out on a date?
If you are in the UK?
Want to go out on a date?
If you are in the UK?
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