So Close Yet So Far
There is a man I think about. He is a friend of my friend so I see him sometimes. He is exactly the physical type I am attracted to. He is devastatingly attractive in my eyes.
He is not religious enough for me. He does not keep Shabbos. He does not keep kosher. He certainly is not S.N. He is just a friendly, handsome, Jewish man. I wish I could date him but I cannot or at least that is what I am trying to remember. If he said he wanted to date me, I do not know what I would do. I could not marry him.
We joke around. We make small talk. Then we say goodbye and I do not see him for a few weeks.
He does not know that every time we are talking, I am thinking about what he would look like with his shirt off, and his wrists crossed over his head, handcuffed to my bedpost.
When I see him it is like someone waving a hot meal under the nose of a starving person, and then taking it away. Would it be better never to see him or other men I am attracted to, if for one reason or another I cannot date them? At least when I see them and think my thoughts, I am remembering that I am a woman.
He is not religious enough for me. He does not keep Shabbos. He does not keep kosher. He certainly is not S.N. He is just a friendly, handsome, Jewish man. I wish I could date him but I cannot or at least that is what I am trying to remember. If he said he wanted to date me, I do not know what I would do. I could not marry him.
We joke around. We make small talk. Then we say goodbye and I do not see him for a few weeks.
He does not know that every time we are talking, I am thinking about what he would look like with his shirt off, and his wrists crossed over his head, handcuffed to my bedpost.
When I see him it is like someone waving a hot meal under the nose of a starving person, and then taking it away. Would it be better never to see him or other men I am attracted to, if for one reason or another I cannot date them? At least when I see them and think my thoughts, I am remembering that I am a woman.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 3/08/2005 06:51:00 AM
8 Comments:
You never know how people may change, on their own or through interaction with you. If being on the same level of observance were an automatic requirement for me and my husband when we first met, we wouldn't be married today...we wouldn't even have gotten past our first week.
Sexual temptation is extremely difficult, to be certain. I admire your self-control and conviction that shomer negiah's the right way, and your (albeit anonymous) admission that you still think about your sexuality...
Blogging's a great tool for working out how you feel about things you'd rather not admit in shul over kiddush. I hope it works for you.
And if you'd like to be quoted, even anonymously, in an article I'm planning on this, let me know by dropping me a line: myurbankvetch@hotmail.com...
E
Answers from Nice Jewish Girl
Shanna and Naomi . . . Thank you for your comments. I have known him for a long time and he has never shown interest in dating me nor in becoming more observant.
Esther . . . . Thank you for your kind words. I will consider your offer.
There are those of us single guys who would be willing to become more observant for the right woman. There are also those of us who would be too intimitaded to show interest to a frum woman since we wouldn't know how without offending her. Hmmmm, sounds like me.
I admire you for being brave enough to admit that, yes, you do think about sex (as normal people do) and for saying that you'd like to handcuff your friend (I know many non SN or even non-Jewish people who are too repressed to admit to that desire).
Two family memeber shave married people who were "less observant" but they loved each other enough to find a middle ground...especially once children came along. Don't fret. Take a chance. This guy just may be the one. You're already friends, which is the basis of any good relationship.
Have you ever gone to a mixed beach ? Wonder what would happen if you tried it and saw how guys reacted to you. It might reinforce your committment - who knows.
What about mixed swimming ? Ever tried it ?
If you feel like you're about to explode, maybe try something like that - or maybe a mixed health club. See what effect that has.
besides for being prohibited (as well as possibly causing others to sin), it would be, in my estimation, an extremely BAD idea.
I mean, c'mon, are you trying to drive her crazy? You want her to feel teased like that?
Or you want her to be like an animal or cheap "show girl" that puts her body on display for a bunch of testosterone-junkies who'll stare at her like a crocodile at a steak?
if your looking for ways to help her "reinforce her commitment" (which I commend), well, think a little more b/c that idea was simply awful.
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