My Biological Clock
There has been some comments on this blog and others to the affect that “if she does not hurry up she will not be able to have children anymore!” Some commenters mean “you better hurry and marry someone, anyone,” and others mean “you better hurry and get pregnant with someone, anyone.” I have a few things to say to this.
First of all I am not an ignoramus. Do you think I do not know that the “biological clock” is ticking? Do you not think that I already think about this all the time? I get enough warnings about this from my mother (oh boy I could write a whole blog just about her) without also hearing it from an anonymous commenter who calls himself Shleppy. I am not like some women who decided to focus on her career in her twenties and put off getting married on purpose. I have been trying to get married and then have a family for more than 14 years.
Second, what do you mean “find someone, anyone?” No one can tell me that I am too picky. Most of the time I am willing to date someone a second or third time even if I think they are boring or unattractive, because I am willing to get to know someone and give them a chance. It is rare however that a man will extend to me the same courtesy. Many of these times I do not care because I was not terribly thrilled about them either but I am very rarely the one to say that it is over.
Perhaps you would prefer that I had married the man for whom I felt nothing even after dating him for three months? Do you think that would have been a good marriage? Or the man with the gambling problem? The father of my children should be a gambling addict? Do you truly think I would be happy now if I had married him?
So I do not understand what people want me to do to find “someone, anyone” to marry or have a baby with. What, I should stand on a street corner with a sign that says “Please Impregnate Me?”
Third and most important is this: You do not have to be Orthodox to decide being a single mother is not something one wants to do if she has a choice on the matter. I have thought about this very much. These days even a single Orthodox woman has the option to adopt or have artificial insemination if she lives in an open-minded community and is independent enough. But I do not think that I am emotionally or financially able to raise a baby by myself. I work full time just to take care of myself. Who would watch the baby? I cannot afford to buy a baby everything it needs let alone pay someone to take care of it while I am at work. If I got very sick or something happened to me what would happen to the baby? Also that is besides the emotional commitment of taking care of a baby who cries at night and needs new diapers and a lot of attention and nutritious food and never getting a break because I have no husband. Believe me I watch my friends who have babies and even with a husband to do some of the tasks they go crazy, so I can not imagine what I would do if I was all alone trying to raise a child.
Nevertheless since I have a choice about it if I am still single in a few years I would like to adopt a child if I can afford it and if I have a support system to care for the child if I get sick or something happens to me. I do not want to be artificially inseminated even though the idea of never being pregnant and having my own baby makes me very sad. I cannot imagine myself bringing a new baby into the world who would have no father when there are so many babies with no parent at all who need a home. What I might have to offer a child is not as good as having two parents but it is better than living in an orphanage.
Since adopting will be as much an option in a few years as it is now I am not in a rush, am I? Except to save money for it.
And also except that my ideal is still to get married for many reasons: emotional companionship, sex of course, and also to have babies. For all three of those reasons I want to get married as soon as possible. For all those reasons I have been trying to get married for a decade and a half. But I have tried everything and do not know what more I can do. I try to stay strong and not get bitter and unhappy because certainly that is also a turnoff for men and not a nice way to live. But I cannot help it. Most of the time I feel that it is hopeless. I cry a lot, especially at night.
First of all I am not an ignoramus. Do you think I do not know that the “biological clock” is ticking? Do you not think that I already think about this all the time? I get enough warnings about this from my mother (oh boy I could write a whole blog just about her) without also hearing it from an anonymous commenter who calls himself Shleppy. I am not like some women who decided to focus on her career in her twenties and put off getting married on purpose. I have been trying to get married and then have a family for more than 14 years.
Second, what do you mean “find someone, anyone?” No one can tell me that I am too picky. Most of the time I am willing to date someone a second or third time even if I think they are boring or unattractive, because I am willing to get to know someone and give them a chance. It is rare however that a man will extend to me the same courtesy. Many of these times I do not care because I was not terribly thrilled about them either but I am very rarely the one to say that it is over.
Perhaps you would prefer that I had married the man for whom I felt nothing even after dating him for three months? Do you think that would have been a good marriage? Or the man with the gambling problem? The father of my children should be a gambling addict? Do you truly think I would be happy now if I had married him?
So I do not understand what people want me to do to find “someone, anyone” to marry or have a baby with. What, I should stand on a street corner with a sign that says “Please Impregnate Me?”
Third and most important is this: You do not have to be Orthodox to decide being a single mother is not something one wants to do if she has a choice on the matter. I have thought about this very much. These days even a single Orthodox woman has the option to adopt or have artificial insemination if she lives in an open-minded community and is independent enough. But I do not think that I am emotionally or financially able to raise a baby by myself. I work full time just to take care of myself. Who would watch the baby? I cannot afford to buy a baby everything it needs let alone pay someone to take care of it while I am at work. If I got very sick or something happened to me what would happen to the baby? Also that is besides the emotional commitment of taking care of a baby who cries at night and needs new diapers and a lot of attention and nutritious food and never getting a break because I have no husband. Believe me I watch my friends who have babies and even with a husband to do some of the tasks they go crazy, so I can not imagine what I would do if I was all alone trying to raise a child.
Nevertheless since I have a choice about it if I am still single in a few years I would like to adopt a child if I can afford it and if I have a support system to care for the child if I get sick or something happens to me. I do not want to be artificially inseminated even though the idea of never being pregnant and having my own baby makes me very sad. I cannot imagine myself bringing a new baby into the world who would have no father when there are so many babies with no parent at all who need a home. What I might have to offer a child is not as good as having two parents but it is better than living in an orphanage.
Since adopting will be as much an option in a few years as it is now I am not in a rush, am I? Except to save money for it.
And also except that my ideal is still to get married for many reasons: emotional companionship, sex of course, and also to have babies. For all three of those reasons I want to get married as soon as possible. For all those reasons I have been trying to get married for a decade and a half. But I have tried everything and do not know what more I can do. I try to stay strong and not get bitter and unhappy because certainly that is also a turnoff for men and not a nice way to live. But I cannot help it. Most of the time I feel that it is hopeless. I cry a lot, especially at night.
posted by Shomer Negiah at 4/03/2005 12:39:00 AM
7 Comments:
Nice Jewish Girl,
hang in there.
you're doing the right thing and your post makes alot of sense. (it also shows how caring you are.)
keep looking, I'm sure you'll find him.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NJG,
Your posts make me cry as well. I hope you are getting sufficient feedback to realize that you are not alone in your feelings, and this might give you sufficient strength to remain strong and sane and always try and do the right thing. Yashar Kochachech
TRK
I've remained sane for the last few years knowing that I can, with G-d's help, become a mother even if I never marry. But my more than ideal is to have babies that come from my eggs, who look a little like me and my parents, who are most fully a part of me. I want to be pregnant and give birth and nurse babies. And I'm crying as I type this. I just hope that if that time comes I'll find a community that will accept me and my family for who we are. It scares me that my children may not have a father, that they might never know what it is to be close to their father in shul, under a tallis, during birchat cohanim. But I'm determined that they will be happy-- as happy as I can help them be. But where can I find a place (neighbors, a shul, schools) that would accept us?
Nowadays even women in their 50's and 60's can have children. If you want biological children and might one day be married maybe you can freeze eggs now?
Anyway, you are a brave person. I cry for you; I cry for me; I cry for so many of us.
Hello :)
Well i feel your pain and im very sorry about that , but hey!! dont worry you will find your true Love soon you will see, to have a baby as a single mom is not easy , and your baby will need a Dad soon or latter :) plese dont give up and you will see that soon your will get it!
hugs
Lorena
There will be many who empathise with your situation. The biological drive to contribute to the future is all to human a thing for either gender.
Many will not say this, but there is a great bravery in not being willing to "settle".
It is not for everyone to encounter their "soulmate" in this brief lifetime, if you will pardon my use of that much abused and abased term.
I should like to observe, nust briefly, that our contribution to the future lies primarily in what we do and what were are every bit as much as in our biological production of offspring.
I know that thought may not help much, but the truth of it is not lessened thereby...
and you really never know what is to come in life, but you may be sure that G_d has a plan tailored just for you..whether in this world or the next.....
Shalom
Steve Latterell
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